Ok boys and girls I have figured it out.......... The ultimate... painless... stylish.... quick..... and extreamly tasteless way to shuffle off this mortal coil.
It's called Barry's magic Cheese Slicer. Taken from alt.evil, I believe.
You will need...... Two Man-hole covers (Or one anvil) Sixty five meters of Piano wire one roll Gaffers tape (or duct tape for cheapo's) one bottle 25yr old french Cognac A notebook and pencil.
and...................One very high bridge.
first cut piano wire into lengths of 4, 9, 12, 15, and 20 metres.
Prepare picnic hamper with cucumber sandwiches, Cognac, pate', and crackers. Don't forget Cognac glass.
load equipment and hamper into car and drive to bridge.
Once at bridge fasten an end of each piece of wire firmly to railing.
Tie the free ends of the wire into choker loops.
Enjoy your picnic! Notice how the subtle nuances of flavor emerge from the cucumber sandwiches after a good swig of the cognac. Throw crackers off the bridge and watch how they spiral down to the ground. Aren't you a long way up! - Better have another drink... Finish off the sandwiches, then for fun see how many crackers you can fit into your mouth and swallow. Your mouth may be a tad dry so knock back the last of the cognac while thinking of some pithy last words...
Write aforementioned pithy last words in the notebook with the pencil (aieeee! Zork flashback!)... Ahem ahem...
Leave notebook open to appropriate page in obvious place next to where piano wire is attached.
Next... slip wire loops over limbs in order of your choice. There are five loops, one for each limb and one for your neck (We suggest for aesthetic reasons you reserve the longest loop for your neck).
Using the extremely high quality Gaffers Tape, strap one man-hole cover to your chest, and the other to your back. If using the anvil, attach as best you can, it being bloody heavy...
Note how your body accelerates due to the force of gravity Note how your arms and legs come off so easily after 4, 9, 12, and 15 metres falling. Note how after 20 metres you hear a sharp Thwack! and the world starts spinning very very quickly. Note how several seconds later your head explodes like an overripe melon as it impacts the ground at high speed.
Passers-by will note the artistic and graphic way your torso plummets then splatters like a dismembered torso between two manhole covers, as two manhole covers meet each other forcing your vital organs in a bloody circle of gore.
The effect will be complete as your severed limbs cascade cadaverously to terra firma.
For the more publicity conscious of you we suggest indulging in kinetic body sculpture - this can be achieved easily by following the above guidelines, but attaching equal lengths of string and piano wire to each limb, so that when the severance has taken place, your appendages swing slowly in the breeze, raining a crimson shower of body fluids on any lucky passers-by!