Oh yeah! /Operation: Whatever The Fuck Crazy-Ass Name They Come Up With For The Iraq War/ is in the house! Oh yeah! /Operation: Enduring "Operation: Whatever The Fuck Crazy-Ass Name They Come Up With For The Iraq War/" is in the motherfucking house! Yes /Operation: Enduring Our Freedom To Bomb The Living Fuck Out Of You/ is in the house!!! Oh my God, this War On Saddam Hussein is gonna /rule/! I can't wait until the war is over and there's no more Iraq! I know! Remember when the U.S. had a terror problem, and then we declared a War On Terror, and now there's no more terror anymore? It'll be just like that! Right! God, if only that War On Terror hadn't been so effective! I could realy use a foe that actuall fucking intimidates me! When it rains it pours wars! Aren't you supposed to wage these things one a at a time? They /are/ literal fucking WARS, after all! Uh... Mr Rumsfeld, could was at least wrap up the current war before starting an ENTIRELY NEW GODDAMN WAR INA COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY??? Jesus fucking Christ! Do they get cheaper by the dozen? We have netered the age of meta-wars in teh War Against Terror. I can't wait until every country finds its own personal meta-war to start meta-waging!!! Then things will get pretty fucking meta-sane! This War Against Saddam Hussein is gonna rock /twenty/ times harder than that lame War Against Terror! What, did the War Against Terror not sufficiently rock you? Remember when we allowed al-Qaeda to escape into Pakistan? Yeah! And remember when... oh, fuck-- who am I kidding? I can't remember a goddamn thing about the last twelve months! Did we fucking win yet? Remember those leftover civilians in that country where we waged our last war a few months ago? Do they realize they're /one war away/ from being completely forgotten? Maybe the plan is to feed all the hungry Afghans using the bodies of dead Iraqis? If that's the case, let me just say one thing: I hope leftover Iraqis enjoy the taste of North Koreans! Well, it's been over a year and the President still can't seem to get around to FUCKING FIRING SOMEONE for the September 11th attacks! I mean, was that somehow NOT the most colossal fucking fuck-up imaginable? I don't care if you fucking retroactively fire someone from the Roosevelt administration-- just let me know that if I can get fired for (*ahem*) stealing coffee filters from the office kitchenette, some motherfuckers in the government can get fired when THREE THOUSAND AMERICANS are murdered in one morning!!! I'm supposed to trust you to wage new wars whenever you want, so fucking start acting like you take this shit seriously! Saddam Hussein is DEAD MEAT! Holy shit! The southern states are seceding! I heard they're even gonna print up their own money! HA! Stupid, fake-ass Southern money! Maybe they can use their fuckin' fake money to rebuild Atlanta after we burn it to the ground! Oh man! I've been looking at thoes Matthew Brady daguerrotypes of battlefields! That shit is no joke! I wonder how many people are going to die in this Civil War? 10,000? 15,000? /Holy fuck-- what if the death toll reaches 20,000/? Uhhh... if the death toll reaches 20,000, I'll say "Congratulations, Death Toll! You're one-thirtieth of the way there!" Oh, Did I mention that I've been secretly developing my arsenal of nuclear wapons? Remember the good ol' days, when the biggest threats to the Homeland were 2 Live Crew recordings? Me so war-ny! Me bomb you long time! /Henry Kissinger/? Jesus Christ, are we fucking MOVING BACKWARDS IN TIME??? It always feels so good to see Kissinger standing beside a U.S. President. It's kind of lik watching Voltron gear up to physically assault the Statue of Liberty. Does Bush even know who these motherfuckers /are/? Didn't he get suspicious when he saw Kissinger and Jon Poindexter licking the blood off each other's hands? So. Henry Kissinger is in charge of the 9/11 probe! That's like putting Robert Mugabe in charge of the Department of Agriculture. I'm sure he's already drafted his final report: "Over the past few years, there has been an unfortunate lapse /in the number of innocent people being slaughtere as a direct result of my foreign policy initiatives/! Can we please get back on track?" Does this mean /Talk/ magazine is about to start up again? If so, may I please have your donut to chock to death on? Well, at least Timmy had a good ten years without having to know who Henry Kissinger was. There's something so precious about a young child's first encounter with Henry Kissinger. At least it takes their mind of terror threats and Saddam Hussein. Mommeee! Who's the scary old man in the bad suit standing at the podium with President Bush? And why is there a huge pile of skulls and dead bodies all around him? Well, I guess it's good Kissinger has a job that'll keep him in the U.S... You know, since if he travels outside the country he'll be arrested as a fucking war criminal and all. I can't remember-- when Kissinger signs a U.S. government paycheck, does he use a ballpoint pen, or the bloody severed limb of an East Timorese child? When John Poindexter speaks, is there still that flashing sign above his head that says, "ALERT: I am a lying sack-of-shit felon"? When John Ashcroft reviews your credit card records, does he award triple Bonus Miles for Bible purchases? When Dick Cheney weeps, is the oil coming out of his eyes leaded or unleaded? When the Senate Democrats get hungry, do they eat dog food or sheep food? When Tom Daschle called Paul Wellstone "The soul of the Senate", did Wellstone yell down, "Why don't you try locationg /your/ goddamn soul, you spineless fucking worm!"?-- Or can't you cuss in heaven? This year I'm thankful fo rthe blessing of Total Information Awareness. If an FBI agent secretly takes a dump in your toilet, does he have to flush? When a tree falls in the forest and it's the Fourth Amendment does it make a sound? "An Opel Letter To The Pentagon Concerning Their Recent Sacking Of Linguists Specializing in Arabic. Allegedly Due To Their Being Homosexual". Dear Pentagon: How do you say "/Are you fucking inane?"/ in Arabic? P.S. If that joke is already old, I have another one: How do you say "/I can't believe we're paying you one billion dollars a day to piss on the grave of Mark Bingham-- I feel safer already you sick motherfuckers/" In Arabic? Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day! I can't wait to see the Special McDonald's commercials celebrating his dream! God, he /was/ totally dreaming, wasn't he? North Korea, what the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously-- what's up, North Korea? Why are you acting so crazy? I don't know! It just feels so good when everyone is looking at me!!! Listen, North Korea-- we know how tough you are! You're truly too legit to quit! / Indeed! ... But could you please lay off the crazy-ass nuclear program until your citizens don't have to eat GRASS and TREE BARK to survive? Did you see my military marches? Did you see how much starch we put in the uniforms? Crazy North Korea! Can't you just fuckin' relax and be in the Axis of Evil in more of a subduded way? / Yea! You dont need to fuckin' /prove/ it! Take a cue from the Crazy USA-- we're pro-democracy, pro-human rights and whatever... But you don't see us running around /proving/ it! Yea! 'Cause that would be tacky! / . o 0 ( Wait a minute... How'd he get /in/ here? ) Oh shit! I totally forgot to send my daughter a "Happy National Sanctity of Life Day" card! You bum! Did you at least send a "National Sanctity of Life Day" food basket to some starving Iraqi children? I wanted to, but the store didn't have big enough baskets! I'll say one thing about those sanctions on Iraq: At least no child was left behind! Yeah... I think it's safe to say that in regards to sanctions, the United States will no longer be suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectations. I wonder how those Iraqi kids like their affirmative access to depleted uranium and sewage-infested drinking water? "National Sanctity of Life Day"? Does that have something to do with sanctions? Don't be sanctimonious! It applies to innocent fetuses in the sanctum sanctorum, not dirty, miserable children who already exist in this world of sin. Maybe if Iraqi mothers fuckin' /stuffed their children back into their wombs/ we'd go a little easier on them. Do you think girls who have been systematically raped in war crimes should have access to reproductive health care? HELL NO! They might get an abortion! That /totally/ goes against the spirit of National Sanctity of Life Day! You know, can I just cut the fucking ironic humor and ask a simple question?-- /Why do you hate us so much/? Seriously. If my daughters were systematically raped as part of a war crime, could I counsel them about abortion? Or would that violate the spirit of National Sanctity of Life Day? Come on, we have to keep the spirit of that day alive all year! Like Ebeneezer Scrooge and Christmas! Life is /sooo/ precious! Yea... what a precious gift life is. Especially when it's forced into you, gloodily, again and again, by a group of soldiers holding you down in a refugee camp. /The Lord works in mysterious ways/. Did you hear? President Bush is holding a live two-hour press conference tomorrow night. Thank God! He's /finally/ going to answer-- Just kidding! Sometimes I wish the Patriot Act was a little "Patrioter." Isn't there a way to beef it up? I still can't believe they named that thing the fuckin' USA PATRIOT ACT. /Grown-ups did that. Never forget that/. I know, but wouldn't it be awesome if they came out with a Patriot Act that was even /tougher/? Could they do that, somehow? You think once they have Benjamin Franklin's body spinning in his grave fast enough, they'll be able to power an internal combustion engine with it? WHERE THE HELL IS MY "FREEDOM CAR???" /Beep beep/~ I hear it! It's coming! I bet the Freedom Car totally fucking /disgusts/ Dick Cheney. (Not like Dick Cheney and the Freedom Car could simultaneously exist in the same universe, but...) WHERE THE HELL IS MY "MISSILE DEFENSE SHIELD???" Remember when our President's dad told Saddam Hussein's people to rise up against him, and the played that funny joke where he allowed them to be slaughtered? What a gas! Uh, actuall, you're thinking of when we supported Saddam's genocide against the Kurds. All I know is, Thomas Friedman said some people are about to get FREE!!!!! Sorry, I've been sort of ranting. I didn't even ask how you're doing. Is your brother-in-law over there yet? He left last week. My sister is totally freaking out. I'm like, "What--you don't want your husband engaged in small-arms combat on the streets of Baghdad?" She said, "What--you think there are going to be streets there by the time we touch down?" Wait a minute--where will the kids play if there aren't any streets? Jesus, this UK dossier on Iraq's concealment infrastructure is total fuckin' hodge-podge! Can someone say, "C-"? Did they order the thing out of the back of /Tiger Beat/? People are going to /die/ because of this document. Could you at least reword the passages you TOTALLY COPIED from outdated sources? Or get someone other than a spotty Manchester United-jersey-wearin' intern to handle the improtat paragraphs? For fuck's sake! Their concealment infrastructure dossiers are as crappy as thier "news"-papers! (Thanks for being our "girlfriend" though, Mr. Blair!) OH MY GOD!!! I just remembered! Saddam gassed his own people!!! / Beep beep! It's such a good feeling to know you're alive. It's such a happy feeling; You're growing inside. And when you wake up ready to say-- I think i'll make a snappy new day. It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling. The feeling you know that you're alive. It's such a good feeling, to know you're in tune. It's such a happy feeling to find you're in bloom. And when you wake up ready to say-- I think I'll grow twelve inches today!!!! It's such a good feeling-- --a very good feeling. The feeling you know that we're friends. IT's such a GOOD FEELING a very good feling The feeling you know that I'll be back -- when the day is new-- And I'll have more ideas for you. And you'll have things you'll want to talk about... I... Will... Too..... Man, did Bush look tired during that press conference! I hope he wasn't /too/ inconvenienced. He sure looked perturbed. Bush was so tired he kept repeating the phrase "September 11th" no matter what the question was--I wonder if he was aware of that? Why does George W. Bush get everything he wants? Is it because he prays for it? What are you talking about? Didn't you see the press conference? He prays for peace, my anonymous clip-art co-worker, he /prays for peace/-- and he's sure not getting /that/. (Hey, Mr. Bush, how does it feel to /want/? Oh--nevermind.) Dear Mr. Bush: PRAY HARDER, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! My mom can't do it all on her own!!! /Are you praying in a sarcastic voice or something/? Someday, when I'm driving through a reconstructed, democratic Baghdad in my Freedom Car, I will pause and ask, Did the U.S. Government say /one true thing/ in justifying Operation ? And I will look up from counting ballots in Syria to reply, Who fuckin' cares? It worked out, didn't it? And I will have to admit: /It did indeed/. (Then I'll probably have to get out and stop an Iraqi child from lapping up the water dripping from my Freedom Car's muffler. Why are those kids so thirsty?) I have a feeling this year's Saint Patrick's Day is going to be /intense/. Do you celebrate Saint Patrick's Day? I wouldn't have thought so. I don't know if "celebrate" is the right word--but I'm gonna be good and /drunk/. Freedom Fries? Fuckin' /Freedom Fries/??? OK, I have a question--is the War on Terrorism over? Because I sure as hell want to know that ALL THE TERRORIST IN THE WORLD HAVE BEEN CAPTURED before legislators actually take the time to rename their GODDAMN CAFETERIA FOOD! Listen: They're called French Fries, they're greasy, and they taste good with mayonnaise! FUCKIN' DEAL WITH IT!!! Mayonnaise? Holy shit, /are you British/? You know what the worst thing about Freedom Fries is? It just proves that nobody is taking this shit seriously. FOR FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE, we're about to go to war AGAIN! Would somebody please act like a fucking goddamn grown-up for once??? Why, is there something at stake all of a sudden? Do you like to gamble? I /love/ to gamble. I love the feel of the bones in my hand. I can't afford health insurance-- does that count? That's no excuse, man! You've got to go big to win big! Like, I used to gamble using "$50" chips... ... until someone showed me how to gamble using "/10 million people at risk of starvation/" chips! Sweet Jesus, don't tell me Saddam Hussein is dead /and/ Duke is about to lose! "This must be just like living in paradise!" Poor guy... this is gonna be /hard/. Hey--- do the Iraqis own their oil fields yet? They're all gonna be rich over there now right? God/damn/ I hope the Iraqis burn those oil fields! Just burn 'em all, guys! Trust me-- you'll be pissing off all the right people. DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT??? In fact, I think everyone on earth should rise up and burn their local oilfield. Those fuckin' things are more trouble than they're worth. The sooner they're gone, the better. But those are France and Russia's propterty!!! If I hear one more nectie-wearing motherfucker on TV wonder when they're gonna see "Sock and Awe" in action... Dude, I heard someone on fuckin' /All Things Considered/ sound disappointed that we hadn't started shocking and awing the Iraqis yet. IS EVERYONE DRINKING THE SAME WATER? I'm "shocked!" Do you think, when the cameras are turned off, our war correspondents pay our soldires to give them piggy-back rides? Do you think they /giggle/? I wonder what the weather will be like when "Shock and Awe' starts. I heard it can be really effective on a beautiful, cloudless morning. Yeah... I wonder what the dust will taste like to them? All I ahve to say is, Once this is over, the Iraqi people better be the /freest fucking people on the face of the earth/. They better be freer than /me/. They better be so fucking free they can /fly/. And they better get/fed/. They better get totally chubby. I want a fuckin' five-mile-long-buffet for those kids-- and I want that buffet to be /permanent/. And I want a multi-million dollar reconstruction contract for Halliburton. God, that would really be so... /just/. Just promise me one thing. Promis me that when you hear Saddamn Hussein is dead, you'll stop moaning about this war for a moment and think of all the people that odious motherfucker killed. Raise a glasss to his victims. You know what? Don't give me that shit. /I know when to grieve, and for whome/. Those sanctions made Saddam stronger and his victims weaker. Yet, somehow /mentioning this fact to people over the years/ made me a "hippie". A HIPPIE? I'm a middle manager who lifts weights and doesn't like the smell of marijuana! Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld is about to be treated as a humanitarian liberator! You don't need to tell me who to "raise a glass to", you fucking idiot-- I raise six glasses every night, just to get drunk enough to love this country like I did as a kid; without feeling like it's /using me/. Come on, I was trying to have a monent! The Coalition of the Willing is about to rock! Thanks, Uzbekistan! Thank,s Macedonia! You guys are the best! Can you believe Afghanistan signed on? Do they really have time to help this this? Oh, thats no big deal-- they're just alowing us to use some broken promises.