Oh yeah! /Operation: Enduring Freedom/ is in the house!
Oh yeah! /Operation: Enduring Our Freedom/ is in the motherfucking house!
Oh yeah! /Operation: Enduring Our Freedom To Bomb The Living Fuck Out Of You/ is in the house!!!
Oh my God. this War On Terrorism is gonna /rule/! I can't wait until the war is over and there's no more terrorism!
I know! Remember when the U.S. had a drug problem and then we declared a War On Drugs, and now you can't buy drugs anymore? It'll be just like that!
Right! God. if only the War On Drugs hadn't been so effective! I could really use some marijuana right now!
You know what I love? I love how we're dropping food aid packages into a country that's one big fucking minefield! That's good!
Well, it turns the relief effort into a fun game for the Afghan people-- a game called "See if you have any fucking arms left to eat the food we dropped after you step on a landmine trying to retrieve it!"
Right! Or maybe they could play "See if, when you step on the landime, the food package flies into your fucking decapitated head as it sails through the air!"
How's work going? Is your company freaked out about the post-WTC recession?
Work fucking /rules/ right now! All I've done for the past two weeks is masturbate to internet pornography!
Are you kidding? /You're the reason we're in this recession/!
Sure I am! And maybe when my company gets the emergency federal aid it applied for, they'll only fire 15,000 people-- instead of the 20,000 they're planning on! Time to jack off!
Last night my girlfriend got a call from her little stepbrother. He's never called before since he's in the Army and is about to get shipped over to Afghanistan, he thought he'd just say Hi!
Oh well! Sucks to be poor! "We'll be sure to tell your grieving mother about the great college scholarships available to our soldiers who are alive!"
I know! "We'll be sure she knows that her son is being greeted in Heaven by 70 beautiful college loan officers! Maybe he'll finally get that engineering degree! Fuck you very much!"
Holy fuck! I've been looking at photos of those fucking refugee camps outside Afghanistan! That shit is no joke! Well, at least all those poor bastards have the United States looking out for them now! Everything's gonna get better real soon!
Yeah-- something tells me everything's about to get /real nice/ for those motherfuckers!
So, are you down with the War Against Terrorism? It's gonna be a total success!
Of course I'm down with it! My fucking son's inner-city school is gonna be fucking paying for it!
What, you mean it's not gonna pay for itself?
If you could say one thing to God right now, what would it be?
I think I would say, "Thank you, God, for your healing gift of religion." What about you?
I'd say, "God, I regret to informYou that U.S. policy now dictates we bomb the fuck of You up in Heaven."
Oh! I'd also say, "Monotheistic religion has always brought out the best in us humans; thank you so much for the idea of a vengeful supernatural entity who rewards people in the afterlife! That shit makes /a lot/ of sense!"
Hey buddy. How are you enduring your freedom?
OK, I guess. I drink myself into a stupor every night. I can't get out of bed in the morning because I'm afraid of what I'll hear on the radio. My daughter is still wetting her bed. And I'm supposed to fly to Chicago for a meeting on Thursday.
That's what we like to hear!
Yo! Weren't you supposed to sign off on that planning report this morning? What gives?
Oh. I'll tell you what /gives/-- I /gives/ a fuck about that planning report! Especially since I havent' sletp in three days! If you want me to hand over that planning report you're more than welcome to bomb my cubicle! Who gives a shit anymore?
Thank you, Allah, for this Holy War! Now I can't even get a fucking planning report!
I'm a little confused. Are U.S. citizens allowed to kill suspected terrorists now?
I think so. But you have to be really, really sure the person is a suspected terrorist! So be super-double sure that they make you feel nervous!
Well, this dude standing by my desk is wearing a really fucked-up jacket-- can I cap him?
Hey, are you on CNN.com? They've got a really interesting poll; they ask "Is al Qaeda sending coded messages to followers via video statements?" You can answer "Yes" or "No!"
What about "How the fuck would I know?" Who's qualified to answer a goddamn poll about /coded video statements?/ Any American who bothers to answer that poll probably masturbates to Tom Clancy novels!
Wow! /100,000 responses/!
Holy Fuck-- anthrax in New York City! We're getting our fucking /ass/ kicked!
Seriously! Who the fuck ware we fighting, fucking /Lex Luthor?/ When is the goddamn Death Star gonna shoot that big-ass laser at us?
I know! What's next-- George W. Bush is gonna hold a press conference and fuckin' rip his face off and it's gonna be /Ming the Merciless/ up under there? Jesus!
You know, us bombing Afghanistan isn't doing shit, /except for somehow releasing anthrax throughout America/! Can we just fucking surrender or something? Fuck /Operatoin: Enduring Freedom/, I want some /Operatoin: My Ass Enduring Without Anthrax/!
For real! So Osama bin Laden becomes our president-- so what? All of a sudden I'm not allowed to go to work or read anymore and men throw acid at me if they can see my face? Shit, that's better than anthrax!
I know! I want to take out a full-page ad in the newspaper: /Dear Whoever is Mailing All the Anthrax All Over the Place-- You can be my ruler! Now can I please just forswear alcohol and denounce Israel or whatever so I can fucking open my credit card offers without thinking my organs are gonna turn inside-out/?
/As-Salaam Alaikum./ Do you have any alcohol left in your cubicle? I've been studying current events again.
/Shalom./ There are five bottles of Jim Beam under my desk-- two are empty and three are full. Come on over.
Maybe I should write a poem about my feelings since September 11th; that might help! What rhymes with "alcohol-saturated dread?"
Dad, why are you calling me at work? Huh? Oh, I don't know... How about "alcohol, match your hated bed?" Like, you hate your bed now because of the nightmares, so you put a match to it and burn it?... Well hell, Dad, I can't come up with shit just like /that/!
-Alcohol-saturated-dread-Dramtic-self-medication-increaseth-I'm-starting-to-look-like-a-damn-ghost-A-widower-learns-of-gentle-heroin-Visions-of-despair,-illusions-of-hope-
OK, I hate to act like a fucking dumbass, but are we at war? I mean, did we ever officially declare war?
Declare war? Who's got time to declare war when there are so many bombs to drop?
How fucked are you if you're an illiterate Afghan widow with four kids whose home has been bombed and you have to fucking walk to another country before winter sets in?
That depends on how fucked you are if you're a single mother of four who's just been laid off and you're too broke to move out of New York.
Does it depend on how fucked you are if you're an oil industry lobbyist and Lockheed Martin shareholder, and recent events have given you such a huge goddamn woody that you can't fit into your trousers anymore?
Are the bombs we've been dropping in Afghanistan for the past four weeks fucking /hollow/? The taliban are still rocking like a hurricane!
Two words my friend: /Fucking invincible/.
You know, I wouldn't have even noticed but then Ashcroft said everyone had to go into a "Heightened Awareness" and in my "Heightened Awareness" I became "Highly Aware" that our bombs aren't cutting the mustard! Let's declare war on some foes /who aren't immortal/, for fuck's sake! If the Taliban had our firepower, they would have conquered all of Earth by now! Those fuckers would be on their way to Mars!
Did I miss something? Is it now legal to mail anthrax to people? Because I sure don't see anyone getting arrested for it!
I think it's only legal if you have the proper license.
What, like I write a letter then I have to wait five days before I can dump a bunch of anthrax into the envelope? Fucking waiting periods! My Visa bill can't wait!
Waiting periods and late fees! What will they think of next? Bombs that look just like food aid packages?
I'm just counting the days until I turn on the radio and hear that Pakistan's nuclear arsenal has fallen into the wrong hands! What a mellow time we'll have then!
I know! I'll probably start feeling so mellow, I'll just lie back on the sofa andchill and tkae some nice pills! Or maybe I'll draw up a nice warm, mellow bath, and settle in with a razorlike object-- you know like /a razor/? LIKE I'LL BE SO FUCKING FREAKED OUT I'LL COMMIT SUICIDE?
I've said it before and I'll say it again-- America should surrender! I'd be honored to live in the Taliban-Occupied Territory of Eastern Misouri! Just give me my rocks to throw and I'll be all set!
Ah! Halloweeen, a full moon, and a heightened terrorism alert! If I'm still alive by the end of the day, I'll eat my hat!
Well! Whaddya know?
"Let's Roll?" I thought we'd been Rolling for a month! Where the fuck are we Rolling to now?
I understand "let's Roll" when some tough-ass all-American motherfuckers are about to rush terrorists on a plane, but when the former co-owner of the /Texas Rangers/ tells all citizens to begin Rolling, I'm like "Hey, I already Rolled mine! You guys Roll on ahead without me!"
Maybe Bush was delivering a secret video message to his capitalist cells-- /Fellas, we've got 500,000 Americans THIS close to signing up on the welfare Rolls/! For this war only, I'll let you Roll on some white labor at Indonesian prices! Maybe you can buy a Rolls with the money you save!
Why do I get the feeling that when the War on Terroism is over we're gonna have more fucking Cipro in this country than we know what to do with?
Why do I get the feeling that when the War on Terrorism is over we're gonna have more fucking impoverished citizens in this country than we know what to do with? We'll have to declare another War on Poverty!
Right! And if you're not with us in the War on poverty, you're against us! Dick Cheney, I'm calling you out you oil industry motherfucker! /I can't fucking find you or see you', but I'm putting you on notice!
If you're not with us, you're against us! Get ready for some bombs and peanut butter food aid packages to rain down on you! -- Yeahhh Boyeee!
What the hell are you talking about? I told you I'd get you that planning report by Monday! Give a guy enough time to finish typing the fucking thing before you start talking your Fourth Grade Clubhouse Fullies bullshit!
Listen buddy, my British coworker here has been giving me head for a month and a half; he's aching to move up to some hardcore bomb-killin'! Get a move on!
Remember that moment in Bush's speech when he said "The Taliban /don't believe women should have healthcare/?" Does that mean /I/ can move to Kandahar and get some healthcare? I've already stopped shaving!
Do you think Bush will give every American woman and girl free healthcare, just to piss off Osama bin Laden? I'd roll with that!
Now, come on, there's gotta be a way to piss off bin Laden without /also/ pising off the evil-doing motherfuckers who got you elected! Why don't we roll with some kickass /5,000-pound/ bombs instead?
So if you're not with us, you're against us, huh? I like it! So nice and simple! When do we start bombing western Europe?
Oh man! Tell the boys down at the bomb-maken' factory to brew up some coffee-- they're gonna be working some serious goddamn overtime!
Can't we just build a fucking bomb the /size of the earth/ and cut a hole out of the middle of the shape of The United States? Drop the motherfucker around us and take care of business once and for all?
I can't believe Jesus and Allah are fighting again! Someone's gonna get their eye poked out!
Bah! We're living in the /21st Century/, and people /still/ wage war to impress invisible superheroes who live in outer space! I thought we would all be chilling out in solar-powered flying cars by now!
I wish the U.S. and al-Qaeda could team up to overthrow The Kingdom of Heaven! We've already teamed up to gaurantee the total fucking ruination of millions of Afghan lives-- why not take it to the next level? Could there be a more slammin' Holy War then declaring war on the Holy One? Now /those/ would be some kick-ass trading cards!
Man! I like a good stiff /Operation Enduring Freedom/ as much as the next guy, but I've reached my limits of understanding! All of a sudden my fucking mailman is a Hero on the Front Lines in the War Against Terror? My daughter wants to sell cookies to help the people my nephew's been sent to fucking /bomb/? I'm supposed to help the FBI find clues and solve crimes? I'M A CLAIMS ADJUSTER NOT A FUCKING ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN! Who's in charge of this shit?
Agreed! This is totally Loony Toons-- I love that the fate of the world hangs in the balance! Bush is talking about conquering evildoers yet the CIA /can't fucking translate the evildoers' Arabic voodoo-spells/! The "Office of homeland Security" makes the DMV look like fucking Delta Force! And, look, I understand why /bin Laden/ sounds crazy-- he's an eleven-foot tall motherfucker who lives in a cave! But why does Bush sound like he's addressing a fucking Dungeons & Dragons convention? At lest I can tear my hair out full-time now that I've been laid off!
Hey buddy! Where the fuck have you been? I've been calling your ass for a week! We've got a lot to talk about!
Oh, man! You'll never guess /how fucking fat/ I got over THanksgiving weekend! I fucking ate like I was a refugee in a certain war-torn part of the world! It's almost 10am-- who needs a drink?
Lets drink to my hair growing back over the vacation! Now I can go to job interviews without looking all creepy and mutilated!
I'm back too! What rhymes with "Alcohol-saturated erosion of the Bill of Rights?"
Before we discuss my newfound enormous goddamn belly, can I just say this war has become a complete fucking bore-- except for the part where George W. Bush now appears to be a monarch?
I know. After the ten thousandth bomb the gay novelty sort of wears off. For a while I liked yelling at the Northern Alliance: "You fuckers are driving pickup trucks to the front lines! And donkeys! This ain't Hee Haw, fellas!" But then I remembered they're our /allies/! Sickness ensued.
Speaking of inspirational forces of justice and light, does Dick Cheney even fucking /exist?/ Was he an urban legend? Or is he 1,000 miles under the ground playing Tetris with Osama bin Laden? /Could he be hiding inside my enourmous fucking belly?/
And then Timmy is like, "Mommy, I don't want to live in a constitutional monarchy! Did Mr. Bush put Congress to sleep like we did with Rusty?" -- Cute!
Of course, then he goes over to the computer where I've been reading the news...
/Mommeeee/! Why is this little boy all fucking blown up and mutilated with no arms? Didn't he get the dollar I sent him???
George W. Bush is the /man/! The motherfucker can do anything he wants now! Good thing we know how much he hates incarcerating (and killing the fuck out of) his fellow Americans!
Wouldn't it be awesome if he granted himself supernatural powers in order to fight the evildoers? "My fellow citizens-- fuck the Constitution! I can now turn invisible at will!"
He already has the supernatural ability to look into Vladimir Putin's soul (PS- /What the fuck?/) Soon he'll also be able to shoot laser out of his eyes, no matter what the ACLU says!
Holy shit! Look at what I'm doing! /I'm rewriting the Constitution/! This fucking rules! It's much easier than I thought it would be!
I'm gonna add an amendment saying it's OK to NEVER FIND OUT WHO THE FUCK WAS USING THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE AS A PERSONAL ANTHRAX DISTRIBUTION NETWORK!
And now for an amendment saying WE WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, DEVELOP SOLAR POWER, NO MATTER HOW MUCH FUCKING SENSE IT MAKES! Fucking goddamn sun!
Ha! A fucking white kid joined the Taliban! What the fuck is /that/? He must have listened to a lot of Marilyn Manson!
I didn't even know Americans could travel to Afghanistan, unless they were /bombs dropped out of airplanes/! What a go-getter, that kid! That'll be some fucking college application essay!
Yeah, a real self-starter. Why couldn't his parents get him interested in some nice hobbies-- /like sniffing glue, for fuck's sake/?
Question: How do you lose a one-eyed Muslim cleric on broad daylight?
The entire military might of the United States versus a cave-dwelling maniac and a one-eyed Muslim cleric! This is like Rambo versus the Hobbit!
After eight straight weeks of bombing, I don't like the idea of people still walking around Afghanistan! I expect some mother fuckers to be good and dead after /eight weeks/! That includes Golem and the Cyclops!
I have a feeling we're gonna catch Osama bin Laden soon! / Let the games begin!
God, I wonder what kind of fantasies Bush is having about that? Do you think he fantasizes about publicly executing bin Laden during halftime at the Super Bowl? /What if they draw-and-quarter him/? / *cough* /Pay-per-view/
We won't be able to kill that motherfucker enough! We'll have to cryogenically freeze him after we kill him, just so we can wake his ass up to kill him again! Or develop a way to actually make a corpse /more dead/ through repeated, relentless post-mortem killing. You know, kind of like what we're doing to an entire fucking country?
You know who I've come to like in all this? John Ashcroft. The guy just gives me a good feeling!
...
Good /God/, these are some powerful antidepressants I'm taking! /Wow/!!! Even my smiles are smiling!
Will you fucking hurry up and kill Osama bin Laden for fuck's sake? Jesus Fucking Christ, how can I put this-- YOU'VE BEEN BOMBING FOR TWO FUCKING MONTHS! WHAT THE FUCK SIZE BOMBS DO YOU NEED?
Serious! It's like an American bombing campaign is the elixir of eternal life for despots! Saddam Hussein will live to be four hundred years old at this rate!
The other good thing about American bombing is that everyone on the ground gets a super-sized Ramadan holiday! Extended fasting for all! It's like if Christmas lasted for eighty days instead of just twelve!
They're having a real nice Festival of Lights over there in Israel, arent they?
Those folks sure do like sharing their festivals of light with each other-- on buses, in the air-- such a magical time for the children!
oh man, there's nothing more moving than a protracted festival of lights in the Holy Land! The more lights, the better! Lighting up the childrens' faces! Teaching the children about the festival of ligths! /Thanks to everyone who particpated in this year's festival of lights/.
Have you sent out your holiday cards yet?
Ha! Holiday cards! First of all, anyone who didn't call to check on me after September 11th gets NO CARD! /You motherfuckers know I live in New York/! Did you just /assume/ I was OK? After I saw the buildings fucking fall down? With fucking /cremated human remians/ settling on my back patio, which I had to fucking wash down so I wouldn't /inhale them/? You can't send me a fucking email? While I wait for my girlfriend to fucking walk home like a goddamn refugee? If you couldnt even bother to send a fucking online animated huggy kitty cat greeting card, what makes you think I'm gonna lick a fucking stamp and send you a picture of Santa Cluas or baby Jesus? /I'd rather make out with Donald Rumsfeld/! 
Whoops! I had to put you on hold! What did you say?
/Mulla Muhammed Omar and Osama bin Laden! Two wily motherfuckers! Who were in those little phantoms int he Family Circus who alays broke the dishes and left the house in disarray/?
/Then they'd run away and leave Billy and Jeffy standing there looking like total idiots/!
/"Who organized this international terror organization? Who scribbled all over the cave?"/
Oh yeah! /Operation: Enduring Enron/ is in the house!
Oh yeah! /Operation: Enduring Our Enron/ is in the motherfucking house!
Yes! /Operation: Enduring Enron's Freedom To Make Off With A Shitload Of Money At Their Employee's Expense/ is in the house!!!
I have a feeling that once I understand everything that happened with Enron, I'm gonna take off my American flag pin! I'd better take a pass on this one!
Seriously! I know Osama is my enemy! But these Enron motherfuckers were supposed to be on our side! Aren't we all on the same side here in America? Especially now? Shit, I was playing fair for Team Usa!
Good ol' Team USA! Everybody working together! See how nice our leaders' friends are? My Man, /Kenneth/ Lay-- /thanks for helping out, you evil fuck/!
You know, the Enron shit wouldn't be so bad if the politicians just finally fucking admitted that when they invoke religion in their speeches, they're totally bullshitting! You can't serve the Good Lord /and/ Enron! Fucking choose your master!
I agree! Stop talking about God until you act like he fucking wants you to act! George Bush, shut the fuck up about how important Jesus is to you! I'm sorry-- Jesus is not oil!
I wish Jesus would just come down from heaven and slaughter all these evildoers once and for all! The Taliban /and/ The Enroniban! (Then I want Jesus to put Bush in a chokehold and explain His position on bombing civilians!)
Here's what I don't understand -- coulnd't the evildoers at Enron have figured out a way to ruin the lives of, oh, say, the Taliban-- /instead of their own goddamn American employees/?
Who's fucking who here? Is the Taliban obsessed with ruining American lives, or is Enron? Who am I supposed to want to bomb?
FUCKING BOMB TEXAS!!! They don't play fair down there! Texas is bullshit! We should sell the state to Mexico and let them slaughter those assholes!
We can't find Osama because Arthur Anderson fucking shredded him!
By the way, fuck Joseph Lieberman! He's a creep! Fucking learn how to talk right, frog-voice!
My two cents: John Ashcroft doesn't dance! Youless bastard! He probably digs a lot of the Taliban's ideas! Bring back Janet Reno! Let's return to killing people in Texas, please!
An Axis of Evil versus A Nation Challenged! We've got eleven fucking wars to wage all of a sudden! /Hold on, someone's at the door--/
Holy fucking shit, man, you'll never guess who just walked in-- VOLTRON!!! Whoa! What the hell???
Voltron's Office of Homeland Security is in the Heeeeouse!
I can't believe I'm sitting here looking at VOLTRON!!! What the fuck does he want? He's not saying anything!
Isn't Voltron, like, 2,000 feet tall? How can he fit in your office?
. o O ( The last time I thought about Voltron, I couldn't give a fuck about foreign policy! /Now I can't stop thinking about peeple dying all over the world/! )
Ask Voltron what it's like battling evil! Is militarizing space gonna be cool as hell? How many bombs will it take to bring peace and justice to all of Earth?
I remember watching Voltron on TV with my little brother! How can I ask him about fucking insane levels of defensive spending? Damn, I can't believe he's TRULY MADE OUT OF MECHANICAL LIONS!!! Oh my God!!!
Ask him: 20,000 bombs? 200,000 bombs? Bombs made out of robot animals or some shit like that?
God/DAMN/ Voltron is looking tough as hell standing here in my office! I wish my manager would walk by and see this shit!
I can't believe you've got fucking Voltron right in front of you and you're not grilling him! Ask him if he's flown over Afghanistan! Ask him what the fuck is going on down there!
Let me tell you something, my friend-- when you're in the presence of /Voltron/, Afghanistan seems a million light-years away! I hope Voltron stays in my office for a nice long time!
Goddamnit, if you don't make the most of Voltron's presence and ask him some goddamn probing questions about the sate of the world, I'll come down there and do it myself! Ask him: HOW MANY BOMBS? / Well?
Oh come on, we both know how many fucking bombs it'll take! All the fucking bombs we can make!
Oh shit, I think Voltron is about to speak! I'll put you on speakerphone!
I believe in one War, the Father, the Almighty, destroyer of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen. Eternally begotten of the Father. War from War, Bomb from Bomb, begotten not made, of one Being with the War. Through War all things were made. For us and for our salvation War came down from heaven: by the power of the Human Spirit it became incarnate... and was made man.
For War's sake humans are crucified, suffer death, and are buried. On the third day no one will rise again and no one will ascend into heaven. War will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and its kingdom will have no end.
. o O ( What the fuck is Voltron talking about? Is this some religious thing? /Am I fucking being baptized by Voltron/? )
I believe in the Human Spirit, the taker of life, who proceeds from the Father and the War. With the Father and the War it is worshipped and glorified. It has spoken through the profits. I acknowledge one War for the commission of sins. I look for no resurrection of the dead, and to the Wars of the world to come. Amen.
Sure, Voltron-- Whatever you say! No need to get heavy, now! (/Dude, could you please call Office Security for me???/)
Hello? Did you ever call Office Security? I'm still knee-deep in Voltron up here!
Office Security says they now have to clear their activities with some "Tom Ridge" character! Apparently he's the mighty man who's keeping us safe now! /Funny, I never heard of the motherfucker doing anything useful/!
Hell /yes/ the suspect looks foreign, Mr. Ridge! He's a robot made out of LIONS, for fuck's sake!
I wonder why Tom Ridge won't authorize detention of Voltron? I can't work with his mechanical-lion ass staring at me!
Maybe Tom Ridge is assigning every American their own Personal Voltron! /Schweeet/! That'd definitely make me feel safer than a fucking magical missle shield floating in outer space!
Seriously, I wonder how many Voltrons the Defense Department could buy with next year's budget increase?
When the Middle East is rockin', don't come a-knockin'!
The Middle East is about to start rocking like a /motherfucker/!
When the Middle East is nuclear rockin' don't come a-nuclear-knockin'!
How psyched is George W. Bush to defeat Saddam Hussein for his dad? / I wish I could do something like that for my dad!
George H.W. Bush is gonna be SO damn proud of his son! He'll probably put Saddam's death certificate on the fridge! I was a C student!
Just wait until twelve years from now, when Jenna Bush fuckin' defeats Osama bin Laden for /her/ dad! Will the circle be unbroken, by and by Lord, by and by? / . o 0 ( Is this truly the only Earth I can live on? )
Sometimes I wish Osama bin Laden was as easy to track down and kill as Canadians!
I read the Bush is going to force the Canadians into refugee camps, then turn the whole country over to the Palestinians! That should solve everything.
Would that make Rick Moranis the Canadians' Yasser Arafat? He's certainly fucking goofy-looking enough!
Did you hear? That guy is still stuck in his office with Voltron! / Coool-- our very own incursion!
Hey buddy-- how are you enduring your Voltron? You'll be pleased to know President Bush just referred to him as a "gargantuan humorless robotic lion-man of peace!"
Huh. I guess that's supposed to be reassuring. Say, could you send an ambulance in here? I'm so fucking full of /bile/ I think I'm going to have a stroke!
Mommeeee! This news report says Mr. Sharon doesn't do what Mr. Bush says!
. o 0 ( So who is the number one head motherfucker in charge, then? )
So I told him, "Honey, the pope is still the number-one head motherfucker in charge! After all, he's the oldest!"
I'm telling you-- Ariel Sharon is a man of peace! He's a fucking pacifist!
True, things do get /damn/ peaceful in a town after Sharon rolls on through. Oh, wait, yeah-- it's so peaceful because everything's completely fucking destroyed!
Uhh... dude, are you anti-Semitic or something?
Goddamn! I'm sick of these fake-ass terror alerts!
Me too! Don't tell me "there's definitely going to be an attack within two years." I could figure that shit out for myself!
My boss asked me, "Do you think the White House is trying to distract people from asking questions about intelligence failures?" I said, "All I know is, if I'm not running for my goddamn life within two weeks, I'm gonna be plenty pissed!"
You know what's sort of weird? Dick Armey opely called for ethnic cleansing and nobody seemed to care! Can I openly call for some secret fantasies of my own? I mean they might be freaky, but they're no goddamn ETHNIC CLEANSING! /Cute!
I used to feel ashamed about flipping off other drivers... but you know what? It's not like I'm OPENLY CALLING FOR THEIR ETHNIC CLEANSING! Fuck it!
This frank, open, discussion ofthe benefites of ETHNIC CLEANSING by a major American politician kind of makes me think it's no big deal I didn't pay my taxes last year!
You know what? I've been thinking about this ethnic cleansing think. And I've decided: It's /allllll/ good.
I've been thinking about this Axis of Backassward Countries thing. And they're /allllll/ evil!
These fucking goddamn terrorists! They want to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge? Why, so I can't walk across it and look a the destroyed Manhattan skyline and contemplate the fucking /mass grave/ their friends left for us?
How much do you wanna bet that if terrorist blow up the Statue of Liberty, the French won't even OFFER to replace it?
--Wait, hold up. /Just how interesting could that children's book have been/? What would it have taken to get Bush to put the fucking book down immediately that morning? Maybe if someone fucking /flew the World Trade Center into the Pentagon/? Would that have been serious enough???
Did you have a good vacation, under God?
I did, thanks, under God. Are you ready to have a good war with Iraq, under god?
As ready as I'll ever be, I guess, under God. Do we really have a choice under god?
Billions of blu blistering barnacles! I totaly forgot we were waging a war in Afghanistan until we... bombed the "Under God" out of some innocent locals.
war in Af/wherethefuck/istan? The only war I know about is Bush's War Against Unetical Business Leaders! And that war's about to get real ugly! Did you hear that bloodthirsty speech he gave last night? Oh my under God! If I was an unethical business leader, I'd be fearing for my life!
I don't even know which War to Get My On first! (I always tart with my personal War Under Joe Lieberman, for luck.)
Under God?
What's the ratio of newspaper photos of dead Afghan civilians to stockbrokers holding their heads in their hands? ( DOW FUCKED )
People laugh at me for keeping my money in a big tin bucket. Well you know wnat? A big tin bucket is not gonna fucking lie to me about its financial performance!
Is that because a big tin bucket doesn't think its entitled to do whatever the ehll it wants just becuase its asinine peer group is running the countr? ( CHENEY SO NICE )
I got the weirdest email forward the other day-- It's some kind of spell to protect yourself from John Ashcroft.
Oh, I've seen that spell. it doesn't work. I'm more into the spell that protects you from Operation TIPS.
Holy shit! Can you "let the eagle soar" and forward that spell to me before it's illegal?
Thank Under God! Someone is sending me the Operation TIPS spell! No snoopy telephone repairman is gonna get all Deputy Dawg on /my/ bookshelf!
I always thought it was called "Operation TIPSY". That's been my personal operation since last fall. I combine it with "Operation Everybody Loves Raymond".
My nephew said, "The meter reader is supposed to SPY on me to find out if I'm a terrorist? If the whole country is gonna play ' Behind the Iron Curtain', there better be some fine fucking state-subsidized alcohol! And our powerlifting team better kick ass!"
Do you ever get the feeling that a secret game is being played in America, and nobody will tell you the rules? / Huh? Are you in code-mode?
When I heard Halliburton was contracted to build new prisons in Guantanamo Bay, I got really excited-- like, "Oh my God, they're finally showing us how to play the game! Put me in, coach!"
I'm dying over here on the bench! Jesus God in heaven, PLEASE let me at least fucking carry the bats for these guys! I mean, they'd look after their batboy, right?
I know what you mean. I used to think Congress would be a good team to play for. Then I watched them run to the steps of the Capitol to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, yelling out "Under God!" like the MOST annoying kid in Sunday School-- like, who are you trying to impress, The Devil? FUCKING GET BACK TO WORK AND KEEP TRACK OF OUR WARS!
That's when I realized Congress is strictly farm league shit. they'd probably have a fucking bald eagle-fucking contest, if they thought it would impress us
Right! Whereas Dick Cheney? Whe's not trying to impress me. He's just minding his business. /And that's why he will be the last man walking the scorched, post-apocalyptic earth/. / God will fly down to pour the Gatorade on him.
Now you see why I want to befriend these guys! Why should I /perspire to death/ on the subway when I could be flying around in Dick Cheney's invisible nuclear helicopter or whatever?
Why should I labor at two jobs and eat these goddamn free donuts every morning, when I could be spell-checking the list of nuclear-bombable countries with Donald Rumsfeld?
Why should I bother smiling at my mailman, when I could be convincing him to SPY ON ME with John Ashcroft?
When I read that the State Department doesn't want to intererer with a killing-and torture-and raping spree sponsored by indonesia's /official fucking millitary/ because doing so would inconvenience /Exxon Mobil/, I /knew/ this War on Terrorism was "for real!"
Don't be dumb! I f we ask Exxon-Mobil to shut down a killing-and torture-and raping spree enjoyed by their security forces, the Chinese might drum up more business in Indonesia!
I wonder what would happen if you literally had to fill up your gas tank with the bones of killed and raped people in order to make your car run?
Say, did you hear about the "Killing-and Torture- and Raping Spree Party" that Exxon Mobil i shosting in Indonesia? It's rape-a-rific!
Aaarghh! And here I am stuck at my office's stupid summer pot luck! It's torture I tell you! Well, OK, not /actual/torgure-- at least, not like getting tortured, and then raped, and then killed. But the potato salad /does/ seriously suck.
Hey, Mr. Sarcastic. what's the matter? Don't you like the War on Terrorism? -E-x-x-o-n-M-o-b-i-l-'-s- We're winning!
iPraise God! It's Friday! This weekend I'm hoping to -g-e-t-t-o-r-t-u-r-e-d-,-r-a-p-e-d-,-a-n-d-k-i-l-l-e-d play Boggle with my niece! Tell me about it I'm gonna watch -a-p-e-t-r-o-l-e-u-m-c-o-m-p-a-n-y-'-s-r-a-p-e-,-a-n-d-k-i-l-l-m-y-w-i-f-e "Charade," staring Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn!
Hey-- If I call you up sobbing this weekend, it's becuase -E-x-x-o-n-M-o-b-i-l-'-s-g-o-o-n-s-t-o-r-t-u-r-e-d-,-r-a-p-e-d-a-n-d-k-i-l-l-e-d-m-y-e-n-t-i-r-e-f-a-m-i-l-y the Mets suck, You'll understand, right
I want all my Americans who think this is our finest hour to just through your hands in the air!
I want all my Americans who can now be detained indefinitely with know lawyer to wave 'em like you just don't care!
Now somebody, anybody, somebody--
If I was Saddamn Hussein, Id pay a human rights organizationto craft an international Declaration to have My Ass Overthrown Cause you know the me wouldn't go along for it!
its' so wierd that U.S.A is friends with Saddam Hussien!!!
What's his prob? He looks so angery!!! What is Ronald Reagan doing with that guy?
Duh, U.S.A plus Saddam = B.F.F Best-Friends Forever! We are helping him against IRAN in a WAR to keep us safe! It's O.K. Now shut up
But what if he keeps using chemical weapns???? Oh wait I forgot we don't care.... Sorry Kirds! Seeya would'nt want to be ya
OH MY GOD!!!!!!! CAN you beleive that we sold Saddam Hussien those chemicals to KILL his own PEOPLE??????
That is So wrong!!! Why dont we TELL HIM "Stop killing your own citizens? What is Wrong with you man???"
WORK rules!!!!! All I do all Day is play SUPER BREAKOUT!! It's so fun being a business-man! Maybe I will sell Saddam some more CLOSTRIDIUM BOTULINUM$$$
Hey: do you think its weird that U.S.A helps Saddam Hussien?? He does'nt seem so COOL! He uses Chemical Weapons and that's not fair?!?!?! What the #$!@&$
Sorry Charlie! Saddam is our Friend 'because he's fighting IRAN that is our foe!!-- do you want to help me sell Saddam more BRUCELLA MELITENSIS??? Franke say "Relax"
Well OK I just hope SAddam only uses that stuff on his own people; but he must know what he's doing if he's our ally.just DON"T use that stuff on me because I'm on your team OK? Thanks saddam you rock!!!!!!!!! p.s. Keep Feeling Fascination!!!!
But wait a moment Holy $#@&! what if Saddam someday tries to use those chemical weapons on the U.S.A. WHAT THEN?!??!?
No that won't happn don't be a Noid!!! He will just have enough fun by gassing the Kirds and What do we care about that??! It's all good in the neighborhood!
. o 0 ( butHow can you gas and kill a whole innocent population and not get in trouble by the U.S. President who is watching you do it?? ? AM I a pusse for wondering?
OKMaybe your'e right we should stop Saddam Hussien before he says "Let's go Crazy!!!" What should we do?
Congress was going to pass a bill that says "#@$% YOU SADDAM for using the chemical weapons (we helped you make) dude!!!" But Reagan did not want to offend him! Sorry but what can you do?????? Those Kerds know what it sounds like When Doves Cry, I bet!!!!
I hope MICHAEL DUKAKIS can be our president and STOP Saddam one day!!?!? Anyway Iv'e got to make some business deals now see ya!!!
Anyway do you know what? Saddam will get defeated eventaully!! We will fight him in a few wars, and THEN HE WILL use his chemical agents one last time maybe??? OH !#%$#!!! /On you and me when we're soldires/?!?
First of all your'e a spazz because we will be TOO old to fight in the Army at that time!!! Probably we'll still be talking on our #%!@$ phones all day!!!!!! Dorks
oh my God........... don't tell me nothing will change in 15 years
Can I ask you're opinion..... do you think were crazy for helping Afhganistan become super-religious ISLAM warriors to fight the U.S.S.R.?
NO WE ARE NOT CRAZY for that! They are the though-est fighters!! When they kill all the Comunists then we will HELP Afghanistan become a real country with $$$ and help! We will help clean up the landmines & make it nice! THEY will love U.S.A for staying friends with them
Hmmmmm...... I guess youre right. Hey! they must be so excited to finally stop fighting wars in thier country! Maybe with our help,, in the future Afghanistan will be a nice place to live, maybe by the year 1999.
Oh yeah! /Operation: Whatever The Fuck Crazy-Ass Name They Come Up With For The Iraq War/ is in the house!
Oh yeah! /Operation: Enduring "Operation: Whatever The Fuck Crazy-Ass Name They Come Up With For The Iraq War/" is in the motherfucking house!
Yes /Operation: Enduring Our Freedom To Bomb The Living Fuck Out Of You/ is in the house!!!
Oh my God, this War On Saddam Hussein is gonna /rule/! I can't wait until the war is over and there's no more Iraq!
I know! Remember when the U.S. had a terror problem, and then we declared a War On Terror, and now there's no more terror anymore? It'll be just like that!
Right! God, if only that War On Terror hadn't been so effective! I could realy use a foe that actuall fucking intimidates me!
When it rains it pours wars! Aren't you supposed to wage these things one a at a time? They /are/ literal fucking WARS, after all!
Uh... Mr Rumsfeld, could was at least wrap up the current war before starting an ENTIRELY NEW GODDAMN WAR IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY??? Jesus fucking Christ! Do they get cheaper by the dozen?
We have netered the age of meta-wars in teh War Against Terror. I can't wait until every country finds its own personal meta-war to start meta-waging!!! Then things will get pretty fucking meta-sane!
This War Against Saddam Hussein is gonna rock /twenty/ times harder than that lame War Against Terror!
What, did the War Against Terror not sufficiently rock you? Remember when we allowed al-Qaeda to escape into Pakistan?
Yeah! And remember when... oh, fuck-- who am I kidding? I can't remember a goddamn thing about the last twelve months! Did we fucking win yet?
Remember those leftover civilians in that country where we waged our last war a few months ago? Do they realize they're /one war away/ from being completely forgotten?
Maybe the plan is to feed all the hungry Afghans using the bodies of dead Iraqis?
If that's the case, let me just say one thing: I hope leftover Iraqis enjoy the taste of North Koreans!
Well, it's been over a year and the President still can't seem to get around to FUCKING FIRING SOMEONE for the September 11th attacks!
I mean, was that somehow NOT the most colossal fucking fuck-up imaginable? I don't care if you fucking retroactively fire someone from the Roosevelt administration-- just let me know that if I can get fired for (*ahem*) stealing coffee filters from the office kitchenette, some motherfuckers in the government can get fired when THREE THOUSAND AMERICANS are murdered in one morning!!! I'm supposed to trust you to wage new wars whenever you want, so fucking start acting like you take this shit seriously!
Saddam Hussein is DEAD MEAT!
Holy shit! The southern states are seceding!
I heard they're even gonna print up their own money! HA! Stupid, fake-ass Southern money!
Maybe they can use their fuckin' fake money to rebuild Atlanta after we burn it to the ground!
Oh man! I've been looking at thoes Matthew Brady daguerrotypes of battlefields! That shit is no joke!
I wonder how many people are going to die in this Civil War? 10,000? 15,000? /Holy fuck-- what if the death toll reaches 20,000/?
Uhhh... if the death toll reaches 20,000, I'll say "Congratulations, Death Toll! You're one-thirtieth of the way there!"
Oh, Did I mention that I've been secretly developing my arsenal of nuclear wapons?
Remember the good ol' days, when the biggest threats to the Homeland were 2 Live Crew recordings?
Me so war-ny! Me bomb you long time!
/Henry Kissinger/? Jesus Christ, are we fucking MOVING BACKWARDS IN TIME???
It always feels so good to see Kissinger standing beside a U.S. President. It's kind of lik watching Voltron gear up to physically assault the Statue of Liberty.
Does Bush even know who these motherfuckers /are/? Didn't he get suspicious when he saw Kissinger and Jon Poindexter licking the blood off each other's hands?
So. Henry Kissinger is in charge of the 9/11 probe! That's like putting Robert Mugabe in charge of the Department of Agriculture.
I'm sure he's already drafted his final report: "Over the past few years, there has been an unfortunate lapse /in the number of innocent people being slaughtere as a direct result of my foreign policy initiatives/! Can we please get back on track?"
Does this mean /Talk/ magazine is about to start up again? If so, may I please have your donut to chock to death on?
Well, at least Timmy had a good ten years without having to know who Henry Kissinger was.
There's something so precious about a young child's first encounter with Henry Kissinger. At least it takes their mind of terror threats and Saddam Hussein.
Mommeee! Who's the scary old man in the bad suit standing at the podium with President Bush? And why is there a huge pile of skulls and dead bodies all around him?
Well, I guess it's good Kissinger has a job that'll keep him in the U.S... You know, since if he travels outside the country he'll be arrested as a fucking war criminal and all.
I can't remember-- when Kissinger signs a U.S. government paycheck, does he use a ballpoint pen, or the bloody severed limb of an East Timorese child?
When John Poindexter speaks, is there still that flashing sign above his head that says, "ALERT: I am a lying sack-of-shit felon"?
When John Ashcroft reviews your credit card records, does he award triple Bonus Miles for Bible purchases?
When Dick Cheney weeps, is the oil coming out of his eyes leaded or unleaded?
When the Senate Democrats get hungry, do they eat dog food or sheep food?
When Tom Daschle called Paul Wellstone "The soul of the Senate", did Wellstone yell down, "Why don't you try locationg /your/ goddamn soul, you spineless fucking worm!"?-- Or can't you cuss in heaven?
This year I'm thankful fo rthe blessing of Total Information Awareness.
If an FBI agent secretly takes a dump in your toilet, does he have to flush?
When a tree falls in the forest and it's the Fourth Amendment does it make a sound?
"An Opel Letter To The Pentagon Concerning Their Recent Sacking Of Linguists Specializing in Arabic. Allegedly Due To Their Being Homosexual".
Dear Pentagon: How do you say "/Are you fucking inane?"/ in Arabic?
P.S. If that joke is already old, I have another one: How do you say "/I can't believe we're paying you one billion dollars a day to piss on the grave of Mark Bingham-- I feel safer already you sick motherfuckers/" In Arabic?
Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day! I can't wait to see the Special McDonald's  commercials celebrating his dream!
God, he /was/ totally dreaming, wasn't he?
North Korea, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Seriously-- what's up, North Korea? Why are you acting so crazy?
I don't know! It just feels so good when everyone is looking at me!!!
Listen, North Korea-- we know how tough you are! You're truly too legit to quit! / Indeed!
... But could you please lay off the crazy-ass nuclear program until your citizens don't have to eat GRASS and TREE BARK to survive?
Did you see my military marches? Did you see how much starch we put in the uniforms?
Crazy North Korea! Can't you just fuckin' relax and be in the Axis of Evil in more of a subduded way? / Yea! You dont need to fuckin' /prove/ it!
Take a cue from the Crazy USA-- we're pro-democracy, pro-human rights and whatever... But you don't see us running around /proving/ it!
Yea! 'Cause that would be tacky! / . o 0 ( Wait a minute... How'd he get /in/ here? )
Oh shit! I totally forgot to send my daughter a "Happy National Sanctity of Life Day" card!
You bum! Did you at least send a "National Sanctity of Life Day" food basket to some starving Iraqi children?
I wanted to, but the store didn't have big enough baskets!
I'll say one thing about those sanctions on Iraq: At least no child was left behind!
Yeah... I think it's safe to say that in regards to sanctions, the United States will no longer be suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectations.
I wonder how those Iraqi kids like their affirmative access to depleted uranium and sewage-infested drinking water?
"National Sanctity of Life Day"? Does that have something to do with sanctions?
Don't be sanctimonious! It applies to innocent fetuses in the sanctum sanctorum, not dirty, miserable children who already exist in this world of sin.
Maybe if Iraqi mothers fuckin' /stuffed their children back into their wombs/ we'd go a little easier on them.
Do you think girls who have been systematically raped in war crimes should have access to reproductive health care?
HELL NO! They might get an abortion! That /totally/ goes against the spirit of National Sanctity of Life Day!
You know, can I just cut the fucking ironic humor and ask a simple question?-- /Why do you hate us so much/? Seriously.
If my daughters were systematically raped as part of a war crime, could I counsel them about abortion? Or would that violate the spirit of National Sanctity of Life Day?
Come on, we have to keep the spirit of that day alive all year! Like Ebeneezer Scrooge and Christmas! Life is /sooo/ precious!
Yea... what a precious gift life is. Especially when it's forced into you, gloodily, again and again, by a group of soldiers holding you down in a refugee camp. /The Lord works in mysterious ways/.
Did you hear? President Bush is holding a live two-hour press conference tomorrow night.
Thank God! He's /finally/ going to answer--
Just kidding!
Sometimes I wish the Patriot Act was a little "Patrioter." Isn't there a way to beef it up?
I still can't believe they named that thing the fuckin' USA PATRIOT ACT. /Grown-ups did that. Never forget that/.
I know, but wouldn't it be awesome if they came out with a Patriot Act that was even /tougher/? Could they do that, somehow?
You think once they have Benjamin Franklin's body spinning in his grave fast enough, they'll be able to power an internal combustion engine with it?
WHERE THE HELL IS MY "FREEDOM CAR???"
/Beep beep/~ I hear it! It's coming!
I bet the Freedom Car totally fucking /disgusts/ Dick Cheney. (Not like Dick Cheney and the Freedom Car could simultaneously exist in the same universe, but...)
WHERE THE HELL IS MY "MISSILE DEFENSE SHIELD???"
Remember when our President's dad told Saddam Hussein's people to rise up against him, and the played that funny joke where he allowed them to be slaughtered?
What a gas!
Uh, actuall, you're thinking of when we supported Saddam's genocide against the Kurds.
All I know is, Thomas Friedman said some people are about to get FREE!!!!!
Sorry, I've been sort of ranting. I didn't even ask how you're doing. Is your brother-in-law over there yet?
He left last week. My sister is totally freaking out. I'm like, "What--you don't want your husband engaged in small-arms combat on the streets of Baghdad?" She said, "What--you think there are going to be streets there by the time we touch down?"
Wait a minute--where will the kids play if there aren't any streets?
Jesus, this UK dossier on Iraq's concealment infrastructure is total fuckin' hodge-podge! Can someone say, "C-"? Did they order the thing out of the back of /Tiger Beat/?
People are going to /die/ because of this document. Could you at least reword the passages you TOTALLY COPIED from outdated sources? Or get someone other than a spotty Manchester United-jersey-wearin' intern to handle the improtat paragraphs? For fuck's sake! Their concealment infrastructure dossiers are as crappy as thier "news"-papers! (Thanks for being our "girlfriend" though, Mr. Blair!)
OH MY GOD!!! I just remembered! Saddam gassed his own people!!! / Beep beep!
It's such a good feeling to know you're alive.
It's such a happy feeling; You're growing inside. And when you wake up ready to say--
I think i'll make a snappy new day.
It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling.
The feeling you know that you're alive.
It's such a good feeling, to know you're in tune.
It's such a happy feeling to find you're in bloom. And when you wake up ready to say--
I think I'll grow twelve inches today!!!!
It's such a good feeling-- --a very good feeling.
The feeling you know that we're friends.
IT's such a GOOD FEELING a very good feeling
The feeling you know that I'll be back
-- when the day is new--
And I'll have more ideas for you.
And you'll have things you'll want to talk about...
I... Will... Too.....
Man, did Bush look tired during that press conference!
I hope he wasn't /too/ inconvenienced. He sure looked perturbed.
Bush was so tired he kept repeating the phrase "September 11th" no matter what the question was--I wonder if he was aware of that?
Why does George W. Bush get everything he wants? Is it because he prays for it?
What are you talking about? Didn't you see the press conference? He prays for peace, my anonymous clip-art co-worker, he /prays for peace/-- and he's sure not getting /that/. (Hey, Mr. Bush, how does it feel to /want/? Oh--nevermind.)
Dear Mr. Bush: PRAY HARDER, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! My mom can't do it all on her own!!! /Are you praying in a sarcastic voice or something/?
Someday, when I'm driving through a reconstructed, democratic Baghdad in my Freedom Car, I will pause and ask, Did the U.S. Government say /one true thing/ in justifying Operation <insert /the tough-ass name that we will soon learn/ here>?
And I will look up from counting ballots in Syria to reply, Who fuckin' cares? It worked out, didn't it?
And I will have to admit: /It did indeed/. (Then I'll probably have to get out and stop an Iraqi child from lapping up the water dripping from my Freedom Car's muffler. Why are those kids so thirsty?)
I have a feeling this year's Saint Patrick's Day is going to be /intense/.
Do you celebrate Saint Patrick's Day? I wouldn't have thought so.
I don't know if "celebrate" is the right word--but I'm gonna be good and /drunk/.
Freedom Fries? Fuckin' /Freedom Fries/??? OK, I have a question--is the War on Terrorism over? Because I sure as hell want to know that ALL THE TERRORIST IN THE WORLD HAVE BEEN CAPTURED before legislators actually take the time to rename their GODDAMN CAFETERIA FOOD! Listen: They're called French Fries, they're greasy, and they taste good with mayonnaise! FUCKIN' DEAL WITH IT!!!
Mayonnaise? Holy shit, /are you British/?
You know what the worst thing about Freedom Fries is? It just proves that nobody is taking this shit seriously. FOR FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE, we're about to go to war AGAIN! Would somebody please act like a fucking goddamn grown-up for once???
Why, is there something at stake all of a sudden?
Do you like to gamble? I /love/ to gamble. I love the feel of the bones in my hand.
I can't afford health insurance-- does that count?
That's no excuse, man! You've got to go big to win big! Like, I used to gamble using "$50" chips...
... until someone showed me how to gamble using "/10 million people at risk of starvation/" chips!
Sweet Jesus, don't tell me Saddam Hussein is dead /and/ Duke is about to lose! "This must be just like living in paradise!"
Poor guy... this is gonna be /hard/.
Hey--- do the Iraqis own their oil fields yet? They're all gonna be rich over there now right?
God/damn/ I hope the Iraqis burn those oil fields! Just burn 'em all, guys! Trust me-- you'll be pissing off all the right people.
DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT???
In fact, I think everyone on earth should rise up and burn their local oilfield. Those fuckin' things are more trouble than they're worth. The sooner they're gone, the better.
But those are France and Russia's propterty!!!
If I hear one more nectie-wearing motherfucker on TV wonder when they're gonna see "Sock and Awe" in action...
Dude, I heard someone on fuckin' /All Things Considered/ sound disappointed that we hadn't started shocking and awing the Iraqis yet. IS EVERYONE DRINKING THE SAME WATER? I'm "shocked!"
Do you think, when the cameras are turned off, our war correspondents pay our soldires to give them piggy-back rides? Do you think they /giggle/?
I wonder what the weather will be like when "Shock and Awe' starts.
I heard it can be really effective on a beautiful, cloudless morning.
Yeah... I wonder what the dust will taste like to them?
All I ahve to say is, Once this is over, the Iraqi people better be the /freest fucking people on the face of the earth/. They better be freer than /me/. They better be so fucking free they can /fly/.
And they better get/fed/. They better get totally chubby. I want a fuckin' five-mile-long-buffet for those kids-- and I want that buffet to be /permanent/.
And I want a multi-million dollar reconstruction contract for Halliburton. God, that would really be so... /just/.
Just promise me one thing. Promis me that when you hear Saddamn Hussein is dead, you'll stop moaning about this war for a moment and think of all the people that odious motherfucker killed. Raise a glasss to his victims.
You know what? Don't give me that shit. /I know when to grieve, and for whome/. Those sanctions made Saddam stronger and his victims weaker. Yet, somehow /mentioning this fact to people over the years/ made me a "hippie". A HIPPIE? I'm a middle manager who lifts weights and doesn't like the smell of marijuana! Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld is about to be treated as a humanitarian liberator! You don't need to tell me who to "raise a glass to", you fucking idiot-- I raise six glasses every night, just to get drunk enough to love this country like I did as a kid; without feeling like it's /using me/.
Come on, I was trying to have a monent!
The Coalition of the Willing is about to rock! Thanks, Uzbekistan! Thank,s Macedonia! You guys are the best!
Can you believe Afghanistan signed on? Do they really have time to help this this?
Oh, thats no big deal-- they're just alowing us to use some broken promises.
Hell yes! Let's get this party started!!! 
I was so happy to see that statue of Saddam come down--"Permission to stop thinking about Iraq, /SIR/!"
You know what sucks? Cleaning up after a party.
I think I just saw the statue of Saddam Hussein collapse for the twenty-fifth time! That footage is awesome.
I love watching it too--but the repetition reminds me of the last time I couldn't avoid watching footage of a certain event, in September 2001.
Yeah, but don't you see? This is the antidote!
So how's my little playa-hater this morning? Paul Wolfowitz was right and you were wrong! Go sulk with Hans Blix and Jacques Chirac!
I AM WITHOLDING MY ANALYSIS UNTIL I HEAR FROM THE IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER.
You already know what he's going to say: "The infidels are being crushed by our nobel falling-statue forces! Soon our mighty desecrated posters of Saddam will expel the invaders!"
What about, "Soon the Americans' hearts will be broken by a visit to the local hospital!"
So what do you suppose Dick Cheney is thinking right now? "Thank God, my decades-long dream of liberating the Iraqi children has been realized! Now, to cure AIDS!"
Maybe he'll think, "Thank God, Saddam Hussein will no longer assist al Qaeda in terror operations!" Then he'll think, "I can't believe I actually just /thought/ that."
Then he'll roll up his sleeves and think, "OK! Let's get moving on that ROAD MAP FOR PEACE! /That's/ something I give a flying fuck about!"
So it /was/ sort of a cakewalk--in a grinding, weeks-long, billions-of-dollars-in-ordnance, cluster-bomb sort of way.
Ugh, I /hate/ finding cluster bombs in my cake! They get stuck in my fillings.
They also stuck separating kids' arms and legs from their torsos. Hey, can you bring crutches to a cakewalk?
You can lead an Iraqi to water, but you can't make him drink if it's not there!
You can't make a freedom omelette without breaking a few international law eggs!
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes ( and you're a humanitarian relief agency), you'll find you can't get what you need.
I bet the champagne will be flowing at the Project For A New American Century to-/night/!
I bet the sanitary, chlorinated drinking water which does not exist will be unflowing in Baghdad to-/night/!
Can't you just be happy for /one second/???
Seriously, what would it take for you to be satisfied? Are you saying you don't like watching Iraqis ride around on the decapitated head of a Saddam Hussein statue? Hell, /you/ paid for it!
I would be satisfied if the United States deferred to humanitarian aid and human rights organizations in planning and financing foreign policy. Does that mean I hate freedom?
ARE YOU CRAZY? you think /Doctors Without Borders/ would let kids ride around on a fuckin' decapitated rusty statue head without a helmet?
Have you seen my Book of Virtues? It's been missing for almost a week!
No, I haven't seen your Book of Virtues. What does it look like?
It looks like a big pile of hypocriticial bullshit!
Hi, Merill Lynch? I'm calling about my missing Book of Virtues. I wondered if you had it. yes, I'll hold.
. o O ( At some point during the course of gambling away eight million dolars, do you at least /consider/ donating the money to a drug clinic instead? Or are the stakes at those places not high enough? Though maybe that would be just SO UNREASONABLY MORAL that it would put you over the edge, and your fuckin' head would explode with all the prolapsed goodness! )
You know what I like about you. Merill Lynch? You really do your best to keep the heads-exploding-with-goodness to an absolute minimum. Sure, I'll continue to hold!
Hi, is this Salomon Smith Barney? Have you seen my missing Book of Virtues?
Why do I want it back? Sentimental reasons, I guess. It reminds me of a lonsome gambler who rode into town and establisthed moral law and order. Sort of.
I'd like to shake his hand-- that way he'd only have one hand to defend himself with. You see, in the words of the ethicist Immanuel Kant, It is a "categorical imperative that he get knocked upside the head.
Hello, is this Trireme Patners? How'd I get your numer? Uhhh... I just looked under "World's skankiest Venture Capital Fund" in the Yellow Pages. Yellow's the color of fear, right?
Listen, may I please speak to Richard Perle? It's regarding my missing Book of Virtues. I thought maybe he had it.
He wiped his /WHAT/ with it???
Hey, as long as I have you on the phone, can I ask you a question? Is it true Henry Kissinger sits on your advisory board?
/Wow/. Oh believe me, I wish Kissinger would sit on /my/ advisory board! He's so famous! I was sad when he quit the 9/11 investigation. He would have brought real "Book of Virtues" integrity to it. :)
Seriously, though-- aren't you guys worried about ghosts?
Yeah, I read that Business-Week article too! Kissinger's quote was, "/We try to serve our country, How the hell are we supposed to make a living?/"
I know, the words "Kissinger" and "living" sound kind of strange together, huh?
--And he quit the 9/11 investigation /exactly because/ "to serve our country" would have jeopardized his financial interests! Jesus, /when/ will he go to the ninth word in his quote? Do some Americans still walk on the same side of the street as him?
Now, one last thing-- what exactly does it take to work for Trireme Partners? I'm so sick of toiling with the little people... OK, and that's spelled N-O C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-C-E, right?
And how do you wash the blood off? ...Oh ---bleach, huh? (I should tell Robert Mugabe; he was wondering.)
So when I see a ploughshare, am /I/ the one who actually beats it into a sword, or who does that? ...OK, and you spell that D-E-F-E-N-S-E P-O-L-I-C-Y B-O-A-R-D? Because I've also seen it spelled F-O-X N-E-W-S.
Hola, is this Fidel Castro? Yes? Fidel, have you seen my Book of Virtues?
Uh huh. OK. Hmmm. Well, do you have any idea when you'll release it from prison?
How's everything over at the UN Human Rights Commission, by the way? Do you and Libya and Sudan and Zimbabwe just sit around jailing and starving eachother? Yeah? Oh. Hmm... I heard bleach can help with that.
Is our president still flying around in an S-3B Viking? I need to know how much longer to bang my head against this here wall.
You still have a wall standing? Can I use it too?
My question is, Do /all/ our aircraft carriers have a huge "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner on board, just in case?
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Knock knock! / Who's There? / Judith! / Judith who? Judith Miller of the New York Times! My friend told me you have weapons of mass destruction-- See you on the front page!
Knock knock! / Who's There? / Jobs And Growth! / Oh, shut the fuck up. I mean, /really/! / Jobs And Growth Of A Sneaking Sense Of Betrayal!
Knock knock! / Who's There? / Doctor Ed. / Doctor Ed who? / Doctor Ed Intelligen Ce! I /finally/ got done putting those Kuwaiti babies back in their incubators. --Hey, did someone from the Old Executive Office Building come by looking for me?
Knock knock! / Who's There? / Orange. / Orange who? / "Orange" you glad I didn't tell you what a pain in the ass it would be to stabilize Iraq?
Knock knock! / Who's There? / Neoimperialism! / Neoimperialism who? / I just wanted to see if you could pronounce it.
Knock knock! / Who's There? / Syria / Syria who? / Seriously, would someone please tackle Donald Rumsfeld and lock his ass up until our "Countries-Destroyed-To-Countries-Rebuilt" Ratio is closer to "1"?
Knock knock! / Who's There? / Islam Karimov. / Islam Karimov who? / Perrrfect.
Knock knock! / Who's There? / Working-Class Taxpayer! / Working-Class Taxpayer wh-- Oh, wait, I know who you are. Listen, bad luck about that "tax relief," huh? Who woulda thought?
Knock knock! / Who's There? / An African person! / There's someone in Africa who's still alive?
Knock knock! / Who's There? / WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! / So /there/ you are!
Knock knock! / Who's There? / Afghanistan! / Who?
#26
Hello? Anybody there? / Hellooo? / I'm looking for somebody to lie to me...
I had a CRAZY dream last night. I dreamt I was living on an oil derrick with Dick Cheney and about one hundred other people. And everyone called the derrick "The Decepticon."
At one point I was talking to Dick Cheney in front of a few people. I dreamt I told him about a Human Rights Watch report accusing a U.S. operative in South America of raping local women for years.
The report accused the operative of sharpening the tip of his handgun to a point and using it to reape and kill women.  / Jesus, man! Why the hell are you telling me this? I'm trying to finish a spreadsheetover here! / Dick Cheney seemed unfazedby allthis so I stated screaming at him: "He RAPED WOMEN WITH A /GUN/!"
And you know what happened next in my dream? Dick Cheney and I said the same thing at the same time: "Well, we had a Cold War to win." And then I screamed at hi: "I KNEW you would say that! You ALWAYS say that!" / But then, since Cheney and I made the same remark at the same time, I realized he owed me a Coke. so I said, "Jinx! You owe me a coke! And Vice-President Dick Cheney smiled sheepishly. /(Shudder)/
I don't even /drink/ Coke. It tastes like robot sweat. / Anyway, I was really mad that this American operative had never been brought to trial for his crimes. So you know what I did? I grabbed a megaphone! / (Wait a minute--I didnt want those columns to line up like that! What's wrong with this spreadsheet?)
I started yelling at everyone through the megaphone: "Ok guys, listen up! I'm gonna bring this asshole to justie!" / "We can't prosecute him in the International criminal Court--so guess what? I'm gonna sue the motherfucker for TAX FRAUD, because I damn sure didn't pay my taxes thinking they were enriching a state-sponsored rapist in South America!"
... And then I woke up with a raging headache. So here's my question: Why didn't anyone warn me not to read this Human Rights Watch report about our noble allies in Afghanistan? You know, our noble allies, right?-- The fucking /WARLORDS/?
Bring the troops home, that's what I say! Enough is enough, Hell, all the reporters came home, right? / Are you crazy? Our troops better stay in that country until it's as calm and stable as a fuckin' /podiatrist's convention/ on a Tuesday morning. / . o O (Should I care thatI'm not even sure which country they're talking about?)
Jesus Christ-- we haven't run out of explosives yet? STOP BLOWING THINGS UP, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS! / Fuckin' Islamic Jihad--you knowwhat, you fucking idiots? There's no jihad! There can't be a "holy war"! Because /there's nothing holy in this universe/, you dumb fucks! STOP BELIEVING IN SHIT THAT DOESN'T EXIST! Allah doesn't care about your body parts flying all over the place, OK? Because ALLAH IS NOT REAL! Deal with it, you stupid fucks. 
Does Islamic Jihad believe in molecules and atoms? Do they even believe in evolution? OK--WHO IN THE MIDDLE EAST BELIEVES IN EVOLUTION? 
And I'm so tired ofhearingthat suicide bombers areretaliation for some Israeli attack on militants! / If you're mad that Israel killed one of yourguys, then go kill oneof their guys--ONE of them! Don't /kill a whole bus/, for fuck's sake! Its like the only way you-- / Actually, many more Palestinians have died than Israelis since the-- / WHY THE HELL ARE YOU /KEEPING TRACK/???
Wouldn't it be weird if in twenty years Iraq had a functioning Social Security system, but America Didn't? / Wouldn't it be awesome if in twenty years America's deficit /actually became self-aware/ and started crushing every nation in its path?
Our only hope is that in twenty years America's deficit will have grown so fucking big that it literally develops /life-giving teats/ which our senior citizens could suckle, instead of receiving Medicare.
And lemme say something to whoever blew up the UN building in Iraq: What the fuck are you doing? We're trying to /fucking feed you/, you fucking freaks! / You motherfukers really wat to live in a country with no electricity and no food? THEN MOVE TO NORTH KOREA! Hell, we could probably pay you to invade. Would you like that you stupid ideological maniac fucks?

#41
Why does the National Intelligence Estimate call a civil war in Iraq the "worst-case scenario?" Thats not so bad. I can think of wose scenarios. Like, what if Iraqi /animals/ started kidnapping humans? I bet the state department never thought about /that/!