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[ O N   S E X   &   L O V E ]


"I'm never through with a woman until I've had her three ways."
  -JFK

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"In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
woman is merely an instrument of pleasure."
  -Tolstoy

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"Anal fisting just felt so... vanilla."
  -Alice, who can be drooled over and worshipped like the goddess
   she is at Suicidegirls.com.

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"I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come, let us
take our fill of love until the morning."
  -Proverbs 7:17-18

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It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
half are doing it.
  -Winston Churchill

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"I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate
but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at
home and ordering another pizza."
  -Alf Whit.
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"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should 
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, 
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, 
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
  -Bob Ettinger

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"The game women play is men."
  -Adam Smith

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"Women, when they are not in love, have all
the cold blood of an experienced attorney."
  -Balzac

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"There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.  Boring your
friends about it is the sin."
  -Mama Liz

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"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue."
  -Voltaire

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"In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
the cows are known sluts."
  -Johnny Carson   

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"Women can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of them to
do it."
  -(unknown)

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"I want to live as an honest man, To get all I deserve and to give all I
can, And to love a young woman who I don't understand."
  -Suzanne Vega, The Queen and the Soldier

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Dear Abby:
        I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.  I
think she's the one for me.  There's just one problem: I can't remember
from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD.  What should I do?
                        --Confused
Dear Confused:
        If she coughs, fuck her.

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"Don't get me wrong, though.  I have known absolute bitches with great
asses who I would imagine bending over, having my way with, and then
tossing them out a window.  But, one should not act on such impulses."
  -Mike E., from the INTP Mail List.

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"Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
it's still darn tasty!"
  -(unknown)

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"Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything."
  -(unknown)

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."
  -Matt Groening

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"Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell."
  -Matt Groening

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"There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well.  The
king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land.  He also wished
in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate.  One day he said
to the prince:
        "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything,
even half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best
friend, what would your decision be, my son?"
        The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
        The king knew that his son would be a great king."
  -(unknown)

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"A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has
failed."
  -Scott

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Feminism, n.:
        A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
        both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.

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"The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in
bed."
  -A. Hoffman

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"It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
broad-hipped, and short-legged race."
  -Schopenhauer

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"A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love,
without virtue, without sex."
  -Balzac

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Brings a tear to my eye...
"Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art."
  -Ogden Nash

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"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." "
  -David Letterman

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"I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the money and all the
pussy."
  -Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"

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"With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
it.  I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
close.  Like catching snakes."
  -Marlon Brando

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"To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her,
and then somehow get her clothes back on her.  Finally, so she will allow
you to leave her, you've got to annoy her."
  -Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"

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"I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking."
  -Dudley Moore

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"I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
that has ever happened, and vice versa."
  -Frank Zappa

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"Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
raises some pretty good questions."
  -Woody Allen

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"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best."
  -Woody Allen

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"Most people don't need a great deal of love nearly so much as they need
a steady supply."
  -(unknown)

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"Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to
communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 
communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on.  
And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I 
might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate.  I 
feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to 
shut up!"
  -Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"

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"Well, you almost got it right.  The only problem is, you're doing it
exactly backwards!  Just reverse the motions you described and your
partner will experience an incredibly intense orgasm.  One trouble with
this technique, though, is that it works so well.  Believe me, word will
get around about your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by
prospective sexual partners.  So try to be discreet.  I prefer maple syrup
to pineapple/apricot lotion, but that's a matter of personal preference.
Also, I'd advise against the syrup, or using honey, if you're outside,
because the insects it attracts tend to distract the quail.  You can
substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb tacks!) for the masking
tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for awhile."
  -(unknown)

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"The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.

A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever.  The way marriage
should be but never quite is.  People grow and change and sometimes want
to take their clothes off with strangers.  So when you invest in a fine
piece of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're
making a statement.  You're telling the woman you love that you've just
spent a lot of your hard-earned money on her.  Now she owes you the kind
of loyalty that only precious jewelry can buy.  Isn't she worth it?

        The Honeymoon's Over:                   from $ 5000
        The Seven Year Itch:                    from $10000
        No More Lunchtime Quickies:             from $15000
        Divorce Would Be More Expensive:        from $42000

A diamond is for leverage.  BeDears"
  -(unknown)

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"I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary.
If it's somebody else's secretary, fine."
  -Barry Goldwater

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"I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows."
  -Martin Cruz Smith

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"When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat."
  -(unknown)

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"All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet."
  -(unknown)

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"A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot."
  -Pancho Villa

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"The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.  Evidently He made
her on Saturday night.  She reveals his fatigue."
  -Dumas

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"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."
  -H.L. Mencken

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"A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure."
  -Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"

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"The pleasure is momentary,
The position ridiculous,
The expense damnable."
  -Chesterfield, on sex

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From the Let's Warp Them Young Department:
"I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?"
  -Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"

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"And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of 
criminal at the bar of justice."
  -Tertullian, second-century Christian writer

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"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
It's just that they need more supervision."
  -(unknown)

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"Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.  Sweet revenge is the
realization that she's a lousy lay."
  -(unknown)

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"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent merriment.
        Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
  -Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"

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Q:      What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
A:      Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
  -(unknown)

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"Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave."
  -Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855

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"Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
are about penis size.  And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?"
  -From alt.sex

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"If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
If thy dick offends thee, whack it off."
  -(unknown)

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"Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich.  But a cheese sandwich,
if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important."
  -Ian Dury

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"He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun."
  -(unknown)

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Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
white electric blanket?  I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.

Thanks, Kathy.  (front desk, x17)

p.s.    Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? Or is Vaseline better?

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"Kids in high school can be really mean.  All the kids used to tease me 
by saying my mother was a cheap whore that anyone in town could have for 
a quarter.  Of course, I didn't let it bother me.  
I would just laugh quietly to myself,
knowing they were being over-charged."
  -(unknown)

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"Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
sincere.  I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere.  As
for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right."
  -Margaret Sangor

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"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a
socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave
their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy
capitalism and become lesbians."
  -Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
   presidential aspirant, in a letter to supporters.

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tear leather:
        To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
        his leather jerkin' off."

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"The sex was nice, but confusing.  The whole situation kept going di-polar
on Sta-Hi.  One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
woman to be husbanded.  But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
toilet.  Just like with any other woman for him, really."
  -Rudy Rucker, "Software"

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This may help explain why Trekkies and the like don't get laid
very often:
"Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one.  Its traditional
concerns are all pubescent.  Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
disguised.  Aliens have tentacles.  Telepathy allows you to have sex without
any nasty inconvenience of touching.  Womblike spaceships provide balanced
meals.  No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot.  As for the
adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests.  The most popular
sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
universe while straddling a giant worm."
  -Arnold Klein

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