100% of Americans Lead Secret Lives 11 Children Perish In La Brea Ball Pit 14 Word Diet Is Stretched to 200 Pages 14 Year Old Collapses Under the Weight of Corporate Logos 180 Trillion Leisure Hours Lost To Work In 2004 34 Congressmen Are Busted in a D.C. Cockfighting Crackdown 357 Maharishis Missing, Feared Dead In Astral Plane Crash 4 Out of 5 Texas Dentists Advocate the Death Penalty 45 Year Old Fails to Make Someone Very Happy One Day 57 Lawmakers Feared Dead In Senate Mine Disaster 58% of US Exercise Is Televised 73% of US Livestock Show Signs of Clinical Depression 80% of Americans Are in Favor of Storming the Castle and Destroying the Inhuman Monster 9-11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented 91 Year Old Woman Is an Expert at Outliving 97th Birthday Celebrated With Nurses Who Just Happened To Be On Duty ABC Pushes the 'Dumbing It Down' Envelope Abusive Husband Was Himself an Abuser as a Child Abusive Obsessive-Compulsive Has To Punch Wife Exactly 20 Times ACLU Defends Nazis' Right to Burn Down ACLU Headquarters Affable Anti-Semite Thinks the Jews Are Doing a Super Job with the Media al Qaeda Vows to Win War on Tourism Al-Qaida Chatter Deteriorates Into Gossip Alabama Environmentalists Lobby for a Solar-Powered Electric Chair Alcoholic Postpones Recovery One Day at a Time All Natural Food Preservative Causes All Natural Cancer All Seven Deadly Sins Were Committed at a Church Bake Sale All US Males Have Been Renamed Dudley Almost No Effort Was Made to Stop a Kid from Eating a Cigarette Butt Alzheimer's Victims Demand A Cure For Pancakes America's Sweetheart Dumps the U.S. for Some Douchebag American Robot's Job Is Outsourced to an Overseas Robot Amish Give Up Amnesty International Demands Gentler Soap for a Political Prisoner An Adorable Puppy Nets Its Owner A Handjob An Area Man Got His Tattoos While Serving In College Angolan Temp Agency Is Teeming With Mercenaries Animal Rights Activists Free Seventy Thousand Cows Animal Rights Commandos Kill 49 And Save a Rabbit Animal-Control Officer In Way Over His Head Annoying Ad Turns Man Pro-Whaling Ant is Born Ants Demand A Twenty-Three Point Nine Hour Workday Apartment Is Set Up to Create the Illusion of a Well-Rounded Life Arabs & Israelis Reach an Understanding After a Zany 'Stuck in a Meet Locker' Ordeal Arbys Apologizes For Its New Beef And Bacon Sandwich Archeologists Report Recently Uncovered Tomb Sure Smells Like Mummies Archer-Daniels-Midland Introduces Steak Paste Archiologists Discover Layer of Welcome Back Kotter Merchandise Architect's Friends All Have Great Ideas for a Building Are the SATs Biased Against the Hungover Area Asshole Stays on Top of the Latest Trends in a Changing Marketplace Area Bartender Refuses to Acknowledge a Patron's 'Regular' Status Area Bassist Fellated Area Bastards Pick Wrong Guy to Mess With This Time Area CEO Doesn't Have Time For This Crap Area Child Is Baffled By Stationary Non-Violent Images Area Cockroach Is Fucking Huge Area Grandmother Can't Believe They Let People With Tattoos on The Price Is Right Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still in the Closet Area Hunchback Has Voice Of Television Announcer Area Islamic Militant All Talk Area Man Accidentally Signs Up for AOL Latino Area Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers Area Man Can't Decide Whether to Give His Sandwich to a Homeless Man or Ducks Area Man Constantly Mentions That He Doesn't Own a Television Area Man Doesn't Know What to Do With All the Extra Ketchup Packets Area Man Feels Guilty About Hating an Annoying Gay Co-Worker Area Man Forces Himself to Drink a Free Refill Area Man Goaded into Climbing Mt Everest Area Man Goes And Gets Himself Hit By a Green Bus Area Man Hopes To 'Accidentally' See His Roommate's Girlfriend Naked Area Man is Confounded By Buffet Protocol Area Man is Less Capable Than His Own Watch Area Man Is Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was in High School Area Man Is Surprised to Hear Himself Tell Matt Damon He's a Big Fan Area Man Is Suspicious Of A New Subway Wrap Area Man Is Too Busy for His Buddy Phil Area Man is Unafraid to Try New Snacks Area Man Reassured If Plane Goes Down Tim Conway Will Die Too Area Man Switches to a Backup Lie Area Man Thinks His Insurance Company is Awesome Area Man To Give Funny T-Shirt Business A Shot Area Man Wants Something Made Out Of Titanium Area Man's Personal Philosophy Was Stolen From Martin Luther King Jr Area Mom Is Freaking Out for No Reason Again Area Priest Plans to Leave the Priesthood as Soon as His Parents Die Area Stoner Has A Mind Blowing Out Of Cheetos Experience Area Stylist Would Love To Do Julia Roberts' Hair Area Woman Is Sensitive About that Thing on Her Face Area Woman Recalls the Days When She Resented Being Hit On Aromatherapist Fails to Factor in Own Falafel Breath Ascending Soul Already Misses His Possessions Assistant Manager Has Been Corrupted By Power Assistant Manager Is Accused of Sexual Indiscrimination Asteroid Crashes Earth Day Celebration, Leaving Millions Dead Attempted Murderer Gave It His Best Shot Authorities Place Alabama Residents in Foster State Authority Figures Call For Closing Of Area Roughhouse Aviator's Marriage On Auto-Pilot Award Winning News Team Keeps A Southern Iowa Man In Touch With Southern Iowa Awkward Tension Is Mistaken for Sexual Tension Babies are Stupid Bacon Is Just One of Sprint's New Downloadable Ring Smells Baldwin Institute Successfully Maps Baldwin Genome Baseball Hall of Fame Elected to Hall of Fame Hall of Fame Baseball Hero Hits A Homerun For A Dying Billionaire Baseball Imposes a Tough New Three Strikes You're Out Rule Beloved Minister Dies As He Lived - Of A Heart Attack Bicycle-Riding Circus Bear Pedals Back to Natural Habitat Big Haired Lady Loves Jesus Bill Gates Will Get Half of Everything Bill's Friends from Work Are Calling Him William Birthday Boy Admits Accepting Gifts Blind People Are Faking It Bloodthirsty Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate Cereal Consumption Blues Man Claims Yemen Done Him Wrong Boeing's New Jetliner Holds All But 300 People Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot Bomb Sniffing Dog Humps Bomb Defusing Robot Bonsai Tree Finally Dies After Four-Year Battle with College Student Boss's Going Away Party Is a Little Too Jubilant Boss's Threats Are Hilarious Bourbon Helps An Area Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting Boxer Hopes He Can Make Money Punching Things in Retirement Boy-Loving Southerners Form AlabaNAMBLA Boyfriend Vows to Try Harder Brass Section Sucking Up To Conductor Again Breakthrough Dialysis Machine Can Do Work Of 10 Kidneys Breakthrough Drug Eliminates Crying In Infants Brigham Young Scientists Convert Matter Into Mormanism Broke Dad Makes Son A Playstation 2 For Christmas Bronx Zoo Has Opened a New Loitering Teens Exhibit Bufferin Sought In Series Of Pain Killings Bunch of Hick Nobodies Sue for Toxic Waste Exposure Burger King Introduces Trudge-Through Window Bush Defends US Baby-Monitoring Program Bush Finally Gets the Oval Office Just the Way He Wants It Bush Is Determined to Find the Warehouse Where the Ark of the Covenant Is Stored Bush Proposes Trickle-Down Electronics Plan For School Computers Bush Reelection Campaign Creates Thousands of New Jobs Bush to Cut the Deficit from the Federal Budget Bush Vows to Put a Man on the Moon Before It Disappears at the End of the Month Bush's Approval Rating Remains High On eBay Butt Naked Man Stresses the Importance of Proper Schooling Cage Match Settles Nothing Camera Crew Discreetly Trails an Overweight Woman for an Obesity Segment Can Of Reddi-Wip Audibly Consumed In Next Cubicle Cancer Victim Given Second Chance At Death Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money in Raisinets Already Bloated Coffers Cat General Says War On String May Be Unwinable Catholic Church Condemns Metrosexuality Catholic Church Speaks Out Against Sinfully Rich Dessert Catholic Nutritionists Warn Of Transubstantiating Fats Caucasians Will Soon Be a Minority in Their Own Goddamn Country Census Bureau Says that 9,000-15,000 People Work at the Census Bureau CEO Needs $30 Million Aspen Home To Recharge Batteries CEO Of Time Warner Has Announced Plans To Merge With His Secretary CEO's Marital Duties Are Outsources to a Mexican Groundskeeper Chevy Chase Show Celebrates Another Blockbuster Season in an Alternate Universe Child Raised By Wolves Released Back Into Wild Childless Couple Seriously Considering Abducting Children of Divorce are Twice as Likely to Write Bad Poetry Chinese Government Cracks Down on Refills Christ Returns to the NBA Christian Porn Film Climaxes With Birth Of Child Christopher Reeve is Placed Atop the Washington Monument Chuck Yeager Dies in a Fiery Kitchen Mishap Chysler Discontinues Neckbelts CIA Admits Its Good at Overthrowing Stuff But Not So Much at the Intelligence Part Cigarettes Are Linked to Cigarette Packages Cleric Issues Self-Serving Fatwa Clerk Endures Fifth Humiliating Year Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia Clothing Catalog Creates Unrealistic Expectations For Shirts Club Has a Big Hit With 'Closed Mic Night' Coca-Cola Scholarship Just 15 Cases Of Coke Collectible Plate Industry Has Called For The Tragic Death Of Barbara Streisand Commodities Traders Eagerly Await the Arrival of the Commodities Bunny Community Comes Together To Paint Over Ugly Mural Company's Sexual-Harrassment Policy Targets One Employee Computer Hacker Denied Access to Social Life Confusing Insult Is Awkwardly Clarified Congress Has Lowered Killing Age to 19 Congress Launches 'National Congress Awareness' Week Congress Overturns Ban On Lawn Darts Congressional Fellatio Has Been Eliminated Conservationist Wastes His Breath Control Freak Always Has To Be One To Perform Heimlich Maneuver Convenience Of E-Mail Takes Up 30 Percent Of Area Man's Work Day Cop Kills His Own Partner and Vows to track Himself Down Corn Syrup Production to Peak by 2006 County Fair Judges Blown Away by Local Heifer Court Takes Custody of a Harley From an Unfit Motorcycle Mama Craig Kilborn Marries Himself In A Private Ceremony Crank Caller Keeps Jerking a Local News Team Around Crazed Palestinian Gunman Angered by Stereotypes Creative Asterisk Makes Readers Unaware of the Word Credit Card Metallurgists Unveil The New Polonium Plus Visa Card Creditors Repossess New England Crush Lasts Nearly an Entire Bus Ride Cryptozoologist Falls for It Again Day Job Officially Becomes a Job Daylight Savings Will Turn the Clock Back Two Billion Years Dead iPod Remembered As Expensive Deadbeat Dads March on Las Vegas Defense Attorneys Say a Raped Environment Lead the Looters On Deficit-Wracked Maryland Calls It Quits Democrats Get A Whole New Look For Spring Denny's Introduces Just a humongous Bucket of eggs and Meat Department of the Interior's Official Seal Definitely Bush's Favorite Department of Transportation Will Replace Highway Mile Markers with Dead Raccoons Depression Hits Losers Hardest Desperate Vegetarians Declare Cows Plants Despite Lack of Natural Disaster Thousands Flee Des Moines Iowa Detroit Tourism Board's 'Hidden Detroit' Campaign Leaves 24 Dead Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush into Signing a Gun Ban Diabetic Kid Throws the Worst Birthday Party Ever Director Decides Against Casting Method Actor In 'Director Killer' Role Disgruntled News Anchor Kills Four in a Studio Shooting Spree Doctor Is Unable to Hide His Excitement from a Patient with a Rare Disease Doctor Slipped A Twenty Doctor-Patient Relationship Getting Serious Doctors May Have a Cure for Head-Bonk Amnesia Dog Experiences the Best Day of His Life for the 400th Consecutive Day Dollar Is Losing Value Against the Quarter Dolphins Have Evolved Opposable Thumbs Don King Enjoys a Sandwich Don't Nobody Want To Hear Area Man Run His Mouth Dream About Walking Around With No Pants In Supermarket Finally Comes True Drug Addict Is Looking for a More Enabling Girlfriend Drunken Episode Is a Repeat Drunken Man Makes an Interesting Point About Society Dry Cleaner Breaks One-Hour Martinizing Barrier Dryer Sheets Are Recalled Due to a Danger of Over-Snugglification Ducks Are Only Interested in an Area Man's Bread East St Louis Rated Number-One City In America By Poverty Magazine Ebert And Roeper Develop Highly Unstable Movie Rating Education Department Study Reveals Seniors Rule Elderly Man Secretes His Last Hormone Emoticon Typo Commits Area Woman To Second Date Entire Oil Rig Searches For Lost Pizza Cutter Environment-Friendly Hollywood Achieves 91% Recycled Content EPA Warns Of A Rise In Global Heartwarming Eric is Being A Real Dick Lately Every Time Area Man Drops By, Friend Is Watching The Big Lebowski Everyone on Campus Is Afraid of that One Bar Everything Proceeding According to Bizarre Right-Wing Plan Everything's Ten Thousand Dollars' Chain Goes Out Of Business Expanding Universe Could Allow For 750 Quadrillion More Blockbuster Locations Extra-Extra-Large Man Finds T-Shirt Face of Jesus Seen on a Miracle Hippy Faith-Based TV-Repair Shop Severely Backed Up Family of Four Has Been Rescued By a Homosexual Farm Subsidy Blown On Farming Fat Family Has Fat Pets Fat Man is Killed in a Wicker Chair Disaster FBI Agent Is Pretty Cool FCC Sentences Artie Lange to Death FDA Approves Every Drug Pending Approval and Takes the Rest of the Year Off FDA Recommends the Blue Marlin Firearms Enthusiast Can't Believe He Has Actual Desert Eagle Pointed At His Head Firestone Tire on the Rear Wheel of the SUV in Front of You May Well Fly Apart Flood of Cheap Afghan Heroin Will Arrive Just in Time for the Recession Florida Man Dies Totally Different than He Lived Florida Residents Pull Together to Plead for More Government Relief Former Couple Will Remain Friends Until One Finds a New Sex Partner Former Kitten Actor Struggles With Catnip Addiction Former Presidents Convene For Liver-Spot Summit Four Careers Killed In Film Shooting Four Generations of Americans Demand Sitcom Reparations Fowl Play On Highway Frances Bean Cobain Enters Prehab Clinic Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up Freakish Newborn Is Half-Chinese, Half-American Fred Schneider Delivers Jarring Commencement Speech French Teacher Forces a Student to Inform Her of a Bathroom Fire in French Friendless Man Loses 3 Acquaintences Frito-Lay Scientists Discover Cheesium Frymaster General Says the US Will Go Crinkle - Cut by the Year 2001 Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids Garrotting Survivors Call for a Wire Ban General Motors Introduces New Instant Win Airbags Genetically Modified Shrieking Broccoli Is Toned Down George Foreman Grill Retires to Promote Its Own Grill Georgia Paintball Team Visits the Vietnam Memorial Ghost Can't Make a Simple Cup of Coffee Without Everyone Freaking Out Ghost of Anne Frank 'Stop Reading My Diary' Ghost Of Ted Knight Signs On As New Voice Of God Giant Metal Bird Devours Hundreds Giant Six Year-Old Devistates Ant Community Girlfriend Is Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant Global Deforestation Is Now Complete God Proclaims Raspberries Now Even More Berrylicious God Re-Floods Middle East God Returns From 2000-Year Vacation God Thanked For Something He Would Never Do God Worried Apocalypse May Not Live Up To Expectations Goofy Guy Named Gary Enlivens an Otherwise Intolerable Wedding Reception Governor Lashes Out At Cheap Scotch Great Darkness Is Expected to Reach the East Coast by Evening Great-Grandmother Isn't Actually That Great Green Bay Taxi Driver Has Seen a Whole Heck of a Lot Greenpeace Releases Dolphins into the Forest Greenspan Kicks Off Seventy-City Farewell Tour Grocery Store Worker Can No Longer Bear to Eat Food Guy Eats His Own Weight in Combos Over a Three Month Period Guy from that Pringles Ad Is Convicted of Murder on Law & Order Guy Is Just Totally Smoking Weed on the Street Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks Hate Crime Bill is Stalled by Pro Hate Lobby Health Food Worker Dies of Vitamin Lung Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes the Trucking Industry Helmann's Heir's Conduct Is Unbefitting of the Mayonnaise Empire Heroic Plastic Surgeon Gives a Small Breasted Starlet a Chance for a Normal Life Hidden Valley Ranch Bombed By Balsamic Extremists High Court Bans Same-Sex Friendships High School Teacher Constantly Uses the Janitor as an Example Highest Blender Setting Successfully Drowns Out Angry Jamba Juice Customer Hit Man Stumbles On Totally New Way To Kill Hog Is Executed Farmland Style Hollywood Diet Secrets Have Fallen Into Non-Celebrity Hands Hollywood Mourns the Passing of the 16th or 17th Lassie Home Sex Tape Is Watched Once Homeless Man Bestows God's Blessing upon All Within Earshot Homoerotic Undertones Spice Up an NRA Meeting Hopes and Dreams Are Crushed by a Panel of D-List Celebrities Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter Was Quote 'Worth the Wait' Hot Sexy Girls Are Waiting to Talk to Guys Just Like You House Inappropriations Committee Suggests that the Nation's Women Dress a Little Sexier Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out in Front of an Area Man Hundreds & Thousands of Sad Lonely People Are Waiting to Take Your call Hungover Heineken Promoter Can't Remember What He Said About Heineken Last Night I Love You Ikea Claims Another 10,000 Lifestyles Immigrant Laborers Are Hired to Delete Spam Immigration Officials Beef Up the US-Mexican Border With Beef India Opens the Gandhi Nuclear Testing Facility Inner City Stabbing Leaves Five Families Maidless International Petty Art Thief Steals Hotel-Room Painting Investigators Still Sorting Out Four-Hearse Crash Investors Stake Out Greenspan's House for Signs of a Rate Increase Iran May Be Developing Lottery Technology IRS Now Requires Taxpayers To Tip Islamic Fundamentalists Condemn Casual Day Japanese Say Radiation May Have Created Giant Monsters Jeff Gordon Never Gets Tired of Seeing His Face on Cheap Plastic Crap Jerry Lewis Undergoes Emergency Gefloigel Surgery Jerry Lewis Undergoes Emergency Gerfloigal Surgery Jesus Christ Hires an Associate Christ Jesus Demands Creative Control Over His Next Movie Jesus Questioned for Accepting Tithes from Lobbyists Jews Have Been Ordered Back to Egypt For Pyramid Duty Jews to Celebrate Some Sort of Holiday JFK Assassination Witness Dies Mysteriously at 80 JK Rowling Quits the Harry Potter Series After Discovering Boys John Glenn Is Installed in the Smithsonian Johnny Depp's Indentured Servitude To Tim Burton Ends Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities Judicial Commission Rules that the Enron Collapse Was Caused by Termites Jules Verne's Long-Lost Story 'The Camera Phone' Has Been Found Junior Building Inspector Closes Down an Area Treehouse K-Mart Reorganizes as a Bed & Breakfast Chain Kelloggs Pulls Its Controversial Chocobastard from Store Shelves Kentucky Senior Finds a Human Thong in His Driveway Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man KFC Paleontologists Reconstruct a 24 Piece Party Bucket from a Single Chicken Leg Knife Fight Rope-A-Dope Strategy Immediately Regretted Kodak and Nabisco Apologize for a Drunken One Night Merger Kwanzaa Holiday Sales Figures Disappointing Lab Monkeys 96 Percent More Likely To Use Cocaine Than Those In Wild Land Mine Seizes Power in Angola Last Literate Person on Earth Dies at Age 98 Law Enforcement Officials Call For Creation Of Bulletproof Sleeves Lawyers Separate Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in a 17 Hour Procedure Lazy Scientists Discover New Cable Channel Learning Channel Goes To An All Gilligan Format Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs a Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion Letter D Pulls Sponsorship From Sesame Street Liberals Return to Sodomy and Welfare Fraud Libertarian Reluctantly Calls the Fire Department Life is Unfair Local Boy Scout Won't Do Anything Unless There's a Merit Badge In It For Him Local Child Amuses Cafe Patrons - But For How Long Local Father Fails to Forcibly Refold a Map Local Hamburger to Star in a National Ad Local Historian Has Big News for Grover Cleveland Fans Local Man Can Finally Take 'Buy Socks' Off To-Do List Local Man Gets Stabbing Right On 47th Try Local Man Hates All 211 Beverages In The Store Local Man Is Miscast in the Role of Father Local Man Might as Well Just Give Up Local Man Ruins a Date Just By Being Himself Local Man Shot with Girly Pistol Local Woman Assures a Friend that She Has Blackouts from Drinking All the Time Local Woman Dies from Lost Cell Phone Loft Apartments Will Be Converted into a Mayonnaise Factory Lone-Wolf Ashcroft Is Given a Rookie Partner Long Awaited Baby Boomer Die Off Begins Soon Long-Time Recreational Eater Turns Pro Lord Answers Bible-Camp Counselor's Prayer For Safe And Enjoyable Hike Lost Nature Guide Completely Blanks On What's Edible Love Affair Not Torrid Enough for Area Man Love and Forgiveness of Christ Now Available in Gel Form Lure of a Free Meal for Every Shift Is Too Great for a Disgruntled Arby's Employee Majority of Americans Already Thought We Had a Moon Base Mall of Central America Is Looted on Opening Day Man Accidently Ends Business Call With 'I Love You' Man Buys a Gun and Becomes All Powerful Man Criticizes Hazelnut Coffee Volvos and New Mexico's Flag in a Two-Minute Span Man Dies After Long, Painful Battle With Life Man Dismembered After Dying On Dominatrix's Torture Rack Would Have Wanted It That Way Man Gives Up Trying To Get Coat Back From Former Girlfriend Man in a Bar Makes a General Inquiry About the Ladies Man in an International Airport Only Speaks Business Man is Offered Cocaine by a Guy He Met in the Urinal 90 Seconds Ago Man on a Couch Reports a Dwindling Supply of Chips Man on Fire Calls for Increased Flame-Retardant Funding Man With a Hammer Induced Thumb Injury Appeals to Christ Almighty Man With a New 40 Disk CD Changer Needs More CD's Man's Adulthood Is Spent Satisfying His Childhood Desires Manager Fails to Keep It Short or Sweet Manager Hates to See You Go Many Americans Are Still Unsure Who to Vote Against Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency Many Animals Were Harmed in the Catering of a New Film Marijuana Is Linked To Sitting Around And Getting High Marilu Henner Is Named Us Secretary Of Mid-Level Talent Mass Grave Is Blasted for Its Lack of Diversity Mass of Unfreshened Air is Moving in From the Arctic Circle Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens to Gay-Marry Massive Oil Spill Results in Improved Wildlife Viscosity Matchbox 20 Finally Finishes Watering Down Their Long Awaited Album McDonald's Introduces the McCrazy Burger McDonalds Unvails All Beef Bun Mean Man Has Shut Down the Candy Factory Meth Lab Tests Confirm Dealer's Hypothesis Mexico Announces Plans To Refry Over Seven Hundred Million Beans Michael Bay Makes High-Octane Trip To Grocery Store Midwest Is Discovered Between The East And West Coasts Midwesterners Descend on an Insurance Company's Free Nail Files Millions of American Lips Are Called into Service for the Fight Against Poverty Minnesota Is Too Polite to Ask for Federal Funding Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc on the International Space Station Mix Tape Expresses Subtleties of Relationship Money Storm Hits Palm Springs Mosquito's Life Cut Short Most Americans Are Just Jacking Around Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported Mother Theresa Has Been Sent to Hell in a Wacky Afterlife Mix Motivational Tape Gets a Man Excited for 20 Minutes Mounds Bar Sells For A Record Four Dollars Movie Is Slated To Be Made Into John Grisham Mr T Will Pity a Fool Mugger Can't Believe the Crap on His Victim's MP3 Player Multi-Vitamin Snubs Magnesium Multicultural Mural Celebrates A Diverse Lack Of Talent Muppeteer's Right Hand In Critical Condition Following Elmo Assassination Attempt Narcissist Mentally Undressed Himself NASA Baffled By Failure Of Straw Shuttle NASA Finds Evidence of Humans on the Moon NASA-NASCAR Merger Nation Awkwardly Celebrates 'Take Your Illegitemate Daughter to Work' Day Nation's Dogs Say the Nation's Dogs Are Seriously Underpetted Nation's Grandparents Voice Concern Over Reading-Light Levels Nation's Leading Alarmists Excited About Bird Flu Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like to Know 'Who Threw That' National Pork Council Says Many Americans Suffer From a Pork Deficiency NBC To Add Dateline Flursday Neighbors Remember Serial Killer as a Serial Killer New 'Pompous Ass' Magazine Hits Newstands This Month New Alternate Reality Series Puts 12 Strangers on an Island Where The South Won the Civil War New Alternative Fuel SUV Will Deplete the World's Hydrogen by 2070 New Anger-Powered Cars May Revolutionize the Way We Drive New Bill Will Send Illegal Immigrants To Iraq New Car Alarm Attacks Thieves' Self-Esteem New Cereal for the Poor Stays Crunchy in Water New Christian Reality Series that Punishes Guilty Sinners on the Street Is a Smash Hit New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares if You Help Fly the Plane New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease The Pain Of Modern Life New Desk Chair Is a Boring Dream Come True New German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority New Homeowner Is Suddenly Fascinated by Moulding New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women's Showers New Jersey Supreme Court Rules the Bastard Had it Coming New KFC Employee Takes Fry-Q Test In Employee Manual New Low-Calorie Sheep Are Bred to Combat Wolf Obesity New Mommy is a Lot Prettier Than the Old Mommy New Movie from Pixar to Totally Screw with Kid's Minds New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly New Once-a-Month Vitamin Presents a Choking Hazard New Partially Digested Doritos Eliminate Tedious Chewing New Pen Brings A Fleeting Moment Of Satisfaction To A Local Man New Prescription-Only Sandwich Is Extra-Delicious New Railway Line Is Slated To Be Built Right Up Your Ass New Robot Salesman Practically Sells Itself New Senate Bill Tests Through The Roof New Starbucks Opens In The Restroom Of an Existing Starbucks New Steak and Onion Potato Chips Taste Disturbingly Like Steak and Onion New Strip Mall of America Stretches Over One-Sixth of North Dakota New Study Finds College Binge-Drinking to Be a Blast New Study Shows Broads Are Making Progress New Version of Olean Produces Less Violent Crap Fits New York City Health Department Cracks Down On Food Vendors Who Fail to Wipe Off Meat New York Yankees Guarantee A 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player in Baseball Newly Promoted Marketing Executive Gets Girlfriend Upgrade Nicole Richie Attempts To Do Whatever She Does On Her Own No One Has the Heart to Ask a Human Beat-Box to Stop North Carolina Elects Someone to Run Out For Cigarettes North Dakota Drinks Itself to Sleep Again NRA Changes its Focus from Guns to Penmanship NRA President Charles Heston a Hebrew NYPD Apologizes for an Accidental Shooting Clubbing Stabbing Death Off-Duty Weatherman Delights Seniors With Impromptu Forecast Olympic Skier Stares Down Icy Forbidding Slope Of The Rest Of Her Life Omaha Man May Stay in Omaha One Hundred Fourteen Year Old Attributes Longevity To Random Chance One-Eyed Cat Slipper Scares the Crap Out of a 4 Year Old Granddaughter onion.txt Only 4% of a Young Girl's Possessions Are Sticker-Free Oprah's Contraceptive Club Prevents 400000 Pregnancies Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks on the Upcoming Al-Qaida Convention OutKast Is Widely Accepted Over 500 Chuck E Cheese Tickets Are Blown in a Grape Soda-Induced Frenzy Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease Parent Company Hasn't Talked To Sister Corporation In Years Party Guy Finds Party Wife Pea Farmers Say They Alone Keep Peas From Overrunning Planet Pentagon Gets 12 Weapons For a Penny From Columbia Missile & Tank Club People Saying 'Happy Spring Holiday' Just to Piss Off Bill O'Reilly Pepsico Marketing Mixup Results in Lemon-Lime Doritos Piggly Wiggly Recalls 50,000 Pounds of Ground Beef and Glass Plague of 17-Year Giraffes Decimates the US Southwest Plane Delay Leaves Hundreds Whiny Police Plan to Pillage and Terrify the Community Pony Lent To Dying Girl Poor People Are Pretty Much Screwed Pope Condemns Three More Glands Popular 'Dad' Character Will Leave Next Season Power-Crazed Orkin Man Burns an Area House to the Ground Prayer To God Loaded With Reverse Psychology Pregnant Woman Acts Like No One Ever Got Pregnant Before Premier of Thailand Eats an Entire Bucket of Chicken to Calm Bird-Flu Fears President Bush Designates 1 Million Acres For Federally Protected Water Parks President Bush Escapes From Weekly Bath President Bush Introduces the New 'Timmy Blanchard Left Behind' Act President Bush Says I Only Have One More Year To Go As President President Bush To Airdrop His Texas Chili Recipe To Third World Countries President Bush Won't Put Down His New Football President Clinton Subpoenaed By Grand Ol' Opry President Clinton's Head Has Been Sawed Off President's Desire To View Opinion Polls Reaches New Low Pressure Of Sustaining Most Of The World Taking Its Toll On Rice Price of Nuclear Secrets Is Plummeting Primatologist Dethrones Alpha-Male Baboon Procrastinating Catholic Is 20 Rosaries Behind Product Manager Leaves a Suicide Powerpoint Presentation Behind Psychiatrists Treating Phantom of the Opera Viewers For Post-Melodramatic Stress Disorder Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time Public Urinator Gives Passerby Dirty Look Purchase of a Split Enz Box Set Collection Results in the Hatred of Split Enz Pure Silk Streams from Cindy Crawford's Ass Quality of Stabbings Down 50% Quick Painless Death Tops Veal Calf's Holiday Wish List Rapidly Swelling Man May Contain Traces Of Peanuts Raving Lunatic Obviously Took Some Advanced Physics Really Fun Toy Has Been Banned After Killing Three Stupid Kids Recreational Abortionists Applaud the Repeal of the Partial-Birth Ban Relaxation Tape Can't Play Any Louder Republicans Are Outraged by Inaccuracies in a Metallica Documentary Rick Steebs Is Cleaned Out by Gypsies Ritalin Cures the Next Picasso Romantic Hostage Negotiator Offers Bank Robbers the Moon and the Stars Ronald Reagan Endorses the Pill Lady for President Roommate Eats Emergency-Preparedness Kit Rumsfeld Is the Only One Who Can Change the Toner in the White House Printer Russell Crowe Agrees To Lower Testosterone Levels Russian-Folk-Festival Crowd Unknowingly Claps Along To Ode To Sodomy Russians Plan to Build Then Tear Down a Statue Saddam Hussein Freed On Technicality Salad Is Rendered Unhealthy in Three Steps San Diego Zoo Acquires A Chinese Man Scandal in the Special Olympics Scientific Journal Releases List Of Year's Top 100 Compounds Scientist Has a Nagging Feeling He Left the Particle Accelerator Running Scientists Combine 20 Tiny Dogs To Make Reasonably Sized Dog Scientists Discover 6000-Year-Old Stain Scientists Discover The Gene That Makes You Eat The Whole Fucking bag of Chips Scientists Fail to Explain Kid Rock Scientists Isolate The Pepsi Resistant Gene Scientists Say Life-Like Pleasurebot Nowhere Near Tested Enough Scientists Say Lifelike Pleasure-Bot Nowhere Near Tested Enough Scientists Say Stuff-Shaking Reaching Dangerous Levels Scientists Say Venom Taken From Politicians Could Provide Medical Benefits Scotland More Relaxed When Sean Connery Is Away Sea Going Turtle is Under Fire for egg Abandonment Secretary of Labor Has Her Hours Cut Secretary Of Transportation Reports He Was Just About To Say That Senate Carpool 'Forgets' to Pick up Feingold Again Serial Killer Describes His Neighbours as Quiet & Unsuspecting Series of Serial Killer Killings Rocks the Serial Killer Community Seven People are Injured in the Annual Running of the Congressman Seventy-Two Percent of High Fives Unwarranted Shadow Government Attracts Shadow Protesters Sharper Image Vows It Will Be Undersold Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got in the Oval Office Shiny Network Makes Its Debut Shiny Wriggling Object Is Attracting Attention Among the Fish Community Shootout Exactly What Stressed-Out Police Officer Needed Shopaholism May Have Killed Shopasaurus' Six Are Dead in a West Point Panty Raid Slain Cop Had Only 37 Years Until Retirement Smoker Is Inspired by the Sight of an Elderly Smoker Smoking Ban Causes the Collapse of a Fragile Prison Economy Snacker Comes Full Circle Back to Plain Potato Chips Snickering Researchers Say Dog Urine Lowers the Risk of Heart Disease Snotty Teenage Girls Convene For World Summit Sole Remaining Lung Is Filled With Rich Satisfying Flavor Sole Survivor Of Plane Crash Suffering From Survivor's Pride Some Dork Was Brought in to Address Civics Class Today Some Lady Is Weeping in the Dairy Aisle Sophomore Senator Can't Wait To Move Out Of Congressional Housing Sorry Is No Longer Cutting It Soulless Senator Proposes Toothless Legislation Spaghettios Discontinued as Franco-American Relations Break Down Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls Species Makes Unwelcome Comeback Sports-Related Murder Provides a Perfect Local News Segue St Christopher Statue Is Embedded in a Motorist's Forehead State Bird of South Carolina Is Reconsidered After Another Wren Attack Stigmatic Teen Says His Miracle is Gross Story Of Real Life Inspiration Stouffer's Discontinues Toaster Steaks Street Smart Teen Found Dead in Library Stripper Is Failing at a School She's Working Herself Through Strom Thurmond to Marry Rare Bristle Coned Pine Stunned Nation Mourns As French Stewart Survives A Plane Crash Supermodel Really Interested In Meeting Creator Of Fan Website Supreme Court Overturns a Car Supreme Court Rules the Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court To Break Up If Rehnquist Leaves Swelling Herds of Hippies Pose a Threat to the Delicate Frecosystem Swift Boat Veterans Are Still Hounding Kerry Swiss End Neutrality Toward Delectable Pastries Switzerland Finally Snaps Taco Bell Launches the New Morning After Burrito Teachers Are Appalled by Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes Ted Nugent's New Cologne Tested on Every Known Animal Teen Admits His Parents Were Right About Fred Durst Teen Is Held Responsible for All 6 Items on the Clarksburg Police Blotter Teen Vows Never To Follow In His Father's Incredibly Successful Footsteps Teenager Learns the Negligible Value of a Dollar Ten Year Old Denies Girl Liking Allegations Tenants Are Forced to Clean Their Apartment Before Telling Landlord About Mice Terrorist Recruitment Far Outpaces Army Recruitment That Guy from that One Show Is in Rehab That Knife Guy from High School Is Arrested in a Knife-Related Incident The Onion Radio News.zip There's Something Weird About a Local Anchorman's Eye Three Hundred Naked Women are Feared Lost in a Computer Crash Tom Cruise Katie Holmes' Baby Could Be Born Addicted to Publicity Tornado Improves Tennesee Property Values Touring Company of Congress Wows 'Em in Baltimore Trapped Miner Wishes He Could See the Coverage Trouser Downsizing Threatens Ravers Turkey Sandwich Is Given a Locally Relevant Name Typo Results in a 10,000 Acre Wyoming Skate Park Unemployed Businessman Has Time For a Headache Now Uneventful Past Finally Catches Up To Boring Man Unexpected Pregnancy Breaks Monotony Of Menstrual Cycle Unfazed Karl Rove Leaks Valerie Plame's Age and Weight Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands United Airlines Flight Crew Hits Up Passengers For Gas Money Unknown Gunman in a Hardee's Parking Lot is on the Verge of International Fame Unnamed New Gas Station Struggles to Find Stop and Go Variant US Airliner Has Been Sajaked US Citizens Form a Massive Special Disinterest Group US Citizens Protest Mexi-Canadian Overpass US Department Of Corruption Denies Right-Doing US Fat Reserves Are Full US Gives Up on Trying to Impress England US Plans to Give Every Iraqi 3,544.91 and Let Free Market Capitalism Do the Rest US Sets Guam Free US Teens Lead World In Pregnancy-Test Scores US Will Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards to Iraq Utter Failure Plans To Spend The Rest Of The Day In Bed Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet Vast Array of Lip Balm Options Paralyzes an Area Shopper Vast Majority of Iraqis Are Still Alive Vatican Gives Popular Jesus Character A Whole New Look Vatican Unveils New Pope Signal Veteran Who Stormed The Beach At Normandy Still Getting Laid Because Of It Visiting Liberian Dignitary Is in No Hurry to Leave Voice Recognition Software Is Yelled At Wal-Mart Discontinues 'Lady Things' Wal-Mart Door Greeter At Death Watching Less than 4 Hours of TV a Day Impairs Your Ability to Ridicule Pop Culture Weather Channel Opens Las Vegas Casino Wendy's New Homestyle Chicken Strip Salad Is Shamelessly Touted Whale Market is Targeted With New Plancton Flavored Peanut Butter What a Grieving Widow Really Needs Is a Day at the Spa Wheelchair-Bound Student Would Have Preferred to Sit Out of Pep Rally White House Declares War on Its DSL Provider White House Dishwasher Tenders Resignation White House Reporter Asks How Many Mountain Dews The President Slams A Day White House S‚ance Fails to Contact Spirit of Ronald Reagan Wife's Shortcomings Laid Bare By Female Sportscaster Woman at a Farscape Convention Has a Dangerously Inflated Self-Image Woman Begs Her Friend to Take the Dessert Menu Away from Her Woman Has Been Injured In A Hostile Makeover Woman Is Obviously Disliking Whatever It Is You're Doing Woman With 6 Dogs Resents Non-Dogs Woman With an Amazing Rack Is Told She Has 'Beautiful Eyes' Work Begins on the Clinton Presidential DVD Library Working Man Is Proud of a Job He Hates World Bank Forecloses on The World Farm World Death Rate Is Holding Steady At 100% World Map Has Been Rearranged Alphabetically to Improve Kid's Geography scores World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice Yahoo Launches Its Soul Search Engine You Are Pretty - you are unique in a good way You Are To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle Zambia Is Tired of Being Mentioned in the 'News of the Weird' Section Zombie Corpse of Scatman Crothers Speaks Out Against Telemarketing scams Zoning Committee Zones A Bunch Of Fucktards Zoo Keeper Raped by a Grizzly Bear